Simple explanations for such an intricate love

Since the day SCY found out I was infatuated with her, she's always asked "why?"  I've always said that I would compile a list of the reasons why I love her and what I love about her and in the past I have started many small lists, but i've never completed them.  I don't think i'll ever be able to fully complete this list, but I'm going to list a handful of reasons why I am madly in love with Miss SCY.  Unfortunately this list will remain only viewable to me as nobody knows about my blog.  Maybe one day I'll grow the courage to make contact with her again.
Here we go....

- I love your barbie hands.  They are so soft and picture perfect.  I love holding them and I love to look at them.
- I love your finger exercises.  Especially when you make the noise with your mouth.  I've thought about this every day since you first showed me.
- I love the way you touch my cheeks, my neck. or my hair.
- I love how perfectly your hand fits into mine.
- I love how perfectly our bodies fit together in bed, when we dance, when we make love, when we hold each other.
- I love your hair.  You have the softest hair that i've ever touched.  Even when you are outside doing your family duties in the heat, your hair still smells good, it's still soft, and you still look sexy.
- I love that I can feel your body release and relax when I kiss you on the forehead.  It's almost as if that's your "comfort" button.
- (this one might be weird)  I love the way the front of your head smells when I kiss it.  I don't know what it is, it's just you.  It feels like home to me.
- I love that you'll kiss my neck
- I love that you'll kiss/lick my ear.
- I love that you bite my lip at the exact time I want you to.
- I love  your lips.  They are soft, so giving, so strong, and so sensual.  Kissing you is more than just a kiss.  Your heart touches my heart when our lips touch.
- I love when you kiss my stars.
- I love how accomplished and proud you feel about having a well manicured lawn.  You are such a strong woman and I love your desire for perfection in the areas you care about.
- I love that you are a "tough cookie".
- I love that you work so hard in everything you do.  (your family, school, yard work, with me)
- I love that you and your mom take breaks during yard work.  I can't begin to express how many times I smiled turning the corner around your fence seeing you and your mom sitting at the table chatting and relaxing.  It's perfect to me.
- I love your smile.  Your smile is one of a kind.  It's from the heart.  It's strong, it's brave, it tells a story.
- I love your golden tan.
- I love how you look in a bikini.
- I love how you look in sofies.
- I love that you can wear vans and sandals, but also wear heels and boots.  You have such a clean and classy look.
- I love your little blue boots.  Don't ever get rid of them.
- I love your red heels and red boots.  You will forever be my blond dorothy.
- I love how you look in a dress.
- I love your legs.  They are so sexy and look amazing in heels and a dress.
- I love your calves.  One of my favorite things to do was to rub your calves down to your feet.
- I love your feet.  Your feet are strong and prove that you work hard, but they are still so cute, little, and adorable.
- I love that you let me crack your toes.
- I love when you drag your keys.  (I just started crying as I typed this)  I looked forward to this every time I dropped you off.  It was just as good as a goodnight kiss.

Picture has been deleted.

I took a picture..  Maybe one day you'll see this.  Maybe not...

- I love how comfortable you make me feel.
- I love that even no matter what I wear, or how goofy I may be, I always felt that you loved me more and more.
- I love that you were strong enough to tell me you loved me before I did.  I was so afraid to scare you away, but you were stronger than me.
- I love the book you made me for Valentines day.
- I love the connection we had at Coldplay.  I felt like they were playing for just us.  I'll never forget the look in your eyes.  I'm so glad i could share your first concert with you.
- I love that every song reminds me of you.
- I love how much music means to you.
- I always bitched about you surfing through songs, but I miss it so much now.   Driving isn't the same without it.
- I love that you named your car Rhonda.
- I love the voice you make when you say Rhonda.
- I love how hard you hug me.
- I love how hard you kiss me.
- I love that you would bite my beard.
- I love that you read.  Every time I see a book or a library I will forever think of you.
- I love our lovely love story day in DC.
- I love the way you would nuzzle into me in bed.
- I love that I've always felt wanted by you.
- I love every aspect of making love to you.
- I loved the way you welcomed me home from Scotland before we were dating.  I will never forget that kiss.
- I loved how easy it is to dip you and kiss you.
- I love that you remembered that I wanted to go to a basketball game....and you surprised me for my birthday.
- I love that you baked me a heart shaped cake with candy on top of it.
- I love you
- I love that I can talk to you for hours.  I can talk to you about anything.  I always enjoy it.  I never want to stop.
- I love that you never gave in to my "ego".
- I love that it's always been me chasing you.  Always.  You always have me on my toes wanting more of you.
- I love how sexy our first kiss was.  I dream of it often.
- I love our first kiss after you came back from spring break.  (outside your car in the rain)
- I love that your my navigator on roadtrips and we always get lost.  But I'd rather get lost with you than make it somewhere without you.
- I love that you ask me to review your papers for school.
- i love that you kept me informed during the world series at the beach house.
- I love how much you make me smile.
- You make me feel like my laugh is special.
- You make me feel strong.
- You make me want to be a better person.
- You make me want to be vulnerable, to be open, to show my fears.
- You are my strength.
- I love that you sing in the car.
- i love that you're girly.
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you'll two-step with your fingers when I listen to heavy music.
- I love that you've been willing to even listen to that music.
- I love that your a card player.
- I love that you support your family so much.
- I love that you watched Rambo with me.
- I love that you were willing to go out of your comfort zone and try to snowboard with me.
- I love that you broadened my horizons with food.
- I STILL HATE SHRIMP!!! But I keep trying it because of you.
- I love that you got me into sushi.  Every roll makes me miss you.
- I love that you tried to be to work and school on time because you knew I liked to be early.  That meant so much to me.
- I love that you included me in so much of your life and family.
- I love that you pinch my butt.
- I love that you packed me lunch for work.
- I love that your dogs love me.
- I love that my dogs love you (they don't love anyone)
- I love that my dad told me the first day he met you that you were "the one".  My heart still melts thinking of that.
- I am in love with your eyes.  You have the purest eyes I've ever encountered.  They are so bright and so full of life.
- I love that you say "monies"
- I love calling you my sugar momma
- I love that you always feed me.
- I love your omelets, they are the best.
- I love that you can talk to me.
- I love that we went peach picking.  I still want to go apple picking.
- I love your parents.
- I love that you see something in me.
- I love that you have faith in me and believe in me.
- I love that you want to get into photography.  I've often thought about setting up classes for you.
- I love that you remind me of my mother in so many ways.
- I love that you have TV shows that you watch with your family.
- I love that you know everything there is to know about Harry Potter.
- I love late night cooking with you in our underwear.
- I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
- I love that you were comfortable with me hanging out with your dad when you were out of town.
- I love how much you enjoy being outside.
- I love our New Years Kiss.
- I love how much you love zippers on your purse and shoes.
- I love that we made love to Imogen Heap.
- I love that you let me use your pink cammo toothbrush over spring break.
- I love that you wanted to see me so badly that you had me sneak into your house by hopping your fence.
- I love when you eat beef stick and cheese.
- I love how excited you get over goat cheese.
- I love your jeanie pants.
- I love that you wipe my tears away when I cry
- I love the way you do your make up.  It's so simple and sexy.
- I love that you love avocados
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you are willing to clean your toothpaste container and squeeze from the end for me.
- I love that you sleep in my t-shirts and sweater.
- I love that when we wake up together, you always welcome me with a kiss.
- I love that I know you'll be an amazing mother and wife.
- I love that I can never ever get you off my mind.

- What I love most of all about you....is that when I think of my life 40 years from now, I still see you swinging next to me on the porch.

New Deadlift PR

I have yet to take advantage of this blog.  My mind is filled with thoughts, concerns, and many other things.  Just to stay in touch with the site I'm going to write about my last few workout accomplishments.  Last week I posted about my new PR for back squats and front squats.  This week I've achieved three new PR's!
Yesterday Jesse and I went for a 4 mile trail run at Seashore State Park.  The scenery was amazing....the run sucked.  I made the mistake of slamming shots the night before with a few friends and running in 85 degree weather with a hangover does not bode well.  Fortunately I made it through and actually ran fairly well.  After the run we went back to Jesses' to meet with Sean and Chris as they were trying to do a separate workout.  Crossfit.com called for a max Deadlift workout which I had never done before so despite running 4 miles in the heat, I decided to partake in the event.  Chris started the lift and found his max lift to be 300 pounds.  Just before Sean started, I drove to my house to grab more weights so we could push ourselves to our limits.  Sean achieved a new PR at 350 pounds!!!   I was extremely excited for the both of them but became very nervous before I started.  I'd only done deadlift maybe 4 times before this workout and I was worried I'd either not pull much weight or I'd hurt myself.  As I began lifting I found that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for.  I achieved a new PR of 390 pounds!  I am thrilled to say that the only reason I stopped at 390 is that we RAN OUT OF WEIGHTS!  Every weight in Jesses' garage was on the bar as I Deadlifted it.

390 Pound Deadlift!!!!

Today we focused on two olympic lifts; the Power Snatch and the Split Jerk BTH.  This was the second time I've done the power snatch so again I was nervous but came to realize that it wasn't as hard as I anticipated.  I power snatched 135 pounds to set my current max.  I am confident that I'll surpass this weight in a short period of time but I have a lot of work to do on my form and technique for this lift.  The Split Jerk BTH on the other hand went very well.  My previous PR for this exercise was 135 pounds and I was able to push 195 pounds today!  I failed on my first attempt but forced my way through it on the second.  

Working out seems to be the only thing keeping me sane lately.  I've been spending so much time running or lifting that I've managed to keep my mind occupied as well.  Hopefully I can continue this.....forever.  I do not want to think anymore.  I don't want to feel anymore.  I just want to feel good about myself and my life again.  Hopefully one day I will figure out how I messed up so badly.  I have earned the position I'm in.  I have to earn the right to get out.  One day at a time.....  

I will achieve my goals.  

You are my goal.

"You are the anchor that holds me"  

Crossfit

285 Pound Back Squat!!!

I've been doing my very best to stay busy lately and so far my best option is the gym.  Last week we did "Elizabeth", "Diane", and "Fran" to prepare for the Metro Dash.  I have a new PR for Fran with a time of 8:42.  I was pretty excited about this because I was also extremely hung over from drinking with John the night before.
Team "Dropkick Burpees" is my running/workout team.  It consists of myself, Sean, Jesse, and Chris.  We competed in the Metro Dash on Sunday and placed 9th overall out of 250-300 teams.  We hoped to do better, but overall I am very pleased with our performance.  Today for our workout Jesse and I worked on max Back squats and hand stand push ups.  I hit a new PR for back squats with 285 pounds.  The photo above was taken as I was pushing up.  The 2nd portion of our workout was "Grace".... 30 reps of 135 pound clean and jerks for time.  Tonight must've been my night because I again hit a new PR here with a time of 5:40.
I'm miserable, I can't keep SCY off my mind, but I will never achieve my goals if I don't do my best to better myself and live "my" life.  I'm really enjoying all the time i'm putting into working out.  This is a hobby I don't every want to let go of.  I am focused.

Ramble and Rumble

I want to contact SCY.  I'm worried that she is going to move to DC without contacting me or her other friends that seem to have been pushed away.  I can't help but analyze every minute of every day and it seems as if she has blocked out anyone that might influence her to contact me.

I have so much to say but I have no strength to face this pain.  I'm losing the drive that's kept me going this whole time.  My heart hurts and today is just a bad day.  Life just isn't as sweet.