I wish I could be recognized as someone significant in this world.  I've lost track of a lot of goals and who I am as in individual.  I need to step up my game.

I've been really bothered by something lately...

My nephew, Colt, has been my light at the end of the tunnel since SCY and I broke up.  Each morning when I walk downstairs I can count on him not judging me and being extremely happy to see me.  Lately this has not been the case though.  Colt has hit a stage where he is becoming slightly stubborn and borderline mean in some of his actions.  After walking downstairs now I am not greeted with a big hug, instead he ignores me or tells me he doesn't like me.  It breaks my heart every time he does it.  I truly can not blame him..he's only 2 and I'm also not worth his time.  But I think the biggest issue i'm having is that I'm realizing more and more that I am the only one that can get through this.  I can not rely on anyone but myself.  Even as innocent as enjoying being around Colt...It's not his obligation to be here for me.  Here I stand alone, miles away from my desired destination.  Which foot should I move first?  Which direction is forward?  In all reality, any direction can be forward...But what leads to happiness?  How can I find the comfort I once had?  I am hopeful.  "Fate will only get you so far, the rest is up to you".  The quote is so true.  Fate brought us back together.   The rest is up to us to live and find our way back to our world.  This is difficult, but I must keep going.

I've changed so much in these last few months.  From my work ethic to my punctuality, so many things that held a strong stance in my being are so different.

I'm ready for death.  I don't have the energy to continue this fight.  I hope something drastic happens.

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.  We have no scar to show for happiness.  We learn so little from peace."

- Chuck Palahniuk

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was SCY's birthday.  I hope it was an amazing day for her.  She deserves nothing but the best.  I wish things were different and I still had an invitation to join.  Either way, I hope it was great.

I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time.  I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong.  Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything.  I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday".  I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text.  I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though.  As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked.  Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong.  They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that.  It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again.  I've been completely respectful of her wishes.  I keep wondering when I was blocked.  was it immediately after the phone call?  Recently?  Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday?  This was/is hard for me to handle.  I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair.  I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do?  I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it?  or has she already added my email address to her spam folder?  There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this.  I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves.  I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense.  I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on.  I know what I want to say in person.  I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life.  I'm still unsure as to what I will do.  I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider.  Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself.  Not to be selfish, just to be safe.  I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.

I truly hope your birthday was great.  I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year.  You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile.  I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that.  I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you.  Happy Birthday to you SCY.  I still dream of your kisses.

The only answer is that there is no answer

I'm already 15 minutes late for a workout so I don't have much time to write but I'm at least going to start this one...

A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me.  It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck.  I haven't been living.  I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing.  It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go,  but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do.  In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus.  I need time to heal, to grow, and to live.  Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change.  I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing.  I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice.  As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.

I owe a lot to my friends.  They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count.  In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different.  I no longer want to be on the offense.  I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely.  But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok".  I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles.  I  hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.