Happy Birthday

Yesterday was SCY's birthday.  I hope it was an amazing day for her.  She deserves nothing but the best.  I wish things were different and I still had an invitation to join.  Either way, I hope it was great.

I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time.  I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong.  Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything.  I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday".  I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text.  I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though.  As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked.  Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong.  They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that.  It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again.  I've been completely respectful of her wishes.  I keep wondering when I was blocked.  was it immediately after the phone call?  Recently?  Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday?  This was/is hard for me to handle.  I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair.  I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do?  I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it?  or has she already added my email address to her spam folder?  There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this.  I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves.  I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense.  I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on.  I know what I want to say in person.  I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life.  I'm still unsure as to what I will do.  I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider.  Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself.  Not to be selfish, just to be safe.  I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.

I truly hope your birthday was great.  I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year.  You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile.  I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that.  I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you.  Happy Birthday to you SCY.  I still dream of your kisses.