"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
- Chuck Palahniuk
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Happy Birthday
Yesterday was SCY's birthday. I hope it was an amazing day for her. She deserves nothing but the best. I wish things were different and I still had an invitation to join. Either way, I hope it was great.
I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time. I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong. Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything. I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday". I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text. I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though. As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked. Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong. They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that. It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again. I've been completely respectful of her wishes. I keep wondering when I was blocked. was it immediately after the phone call? Recently? Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday? This was/is hard for me to handle. I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair. I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do? I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it? or has she already added my email address to her spam folder? There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this. I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves. I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense. I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on. I know what I want to say in person. I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life. I'm still unsure as to what I will do. I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider. Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself. Not to be selfish, just to be safe. I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.
I truly hope your birthday was great. I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year. You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile. I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that. I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you. Happy Birthday to you SCY. I still dream of your kisses.
I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time. I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong. Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything. I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday". I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text. I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though. As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked. Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong. They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that. It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again. I've been completely respectful of her wishes. I keep wondering when I was blocked. was it immediately after the phone call? Recently? Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday? This was/is hard for me to handle. I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair. I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do? I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it? or has she already added my email address to her spam folder? There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this. I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves. I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense. I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on. I know what I want to say in person. I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life. I'm still unsure as to what I will do. I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider. Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself. Not to be selfish, just to be safe. I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.
I truly hope your birthday was great. I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year. You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile. I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that. I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you. Happy Birthday to you SCY. I still dream of your kisses.
The only answer is that there is no answer
I'm already 15 minutes late for a workout so I don't have much time to write but I'm at least going to start this one...
A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me. It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck. I haven't been living. I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing. It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go, but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do. In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus. I need time to heal, to grow, and to live. Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change. I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing. I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice. As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.
I owe a lot to my friends. They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count. In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different. I no longer want to be on the offense. I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely. But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok". I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles. I hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.
A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me. It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck. I haven't been living. I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing. It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go, but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do. In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus. I need time to heal, to grow, and to live. Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change. I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing. I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice. As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.
I owe a lot to my friends. They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count. In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different. I no longer want to be on the offense. I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely. But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok". I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles. I hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Shattered Deadlift PR!
425 pound Deadlift!
I've set two new PR's in the last two days. Shown above is my new max Deadlift at 425 pounds. My previous max was 390 pounds and although I'm excited for my new max, I'd like to say the extra 35 pounds I lifted yesterday were not easy. In the video it shows that my form was not very good. Your back is supposed to be straight and tight when "deadlifting" and as it shows mine was heavily arched immediately. I definitely have some work to do but none the less, I still lifted it. I'm hoping that within the next few weeks I can perfect my technique and form in hopes of breaking this record sooner rather than later.
On Friday I was instructed to find my one rep max for "Front Squats" and I surprisingly lifted 265 pounds. My previous max for this lift was only 205 so I was shocked I lifted so much more with very little trouble. I'm getting stronger and I love it. I'm consistently competing with Jesse in our workouts and even beating him in a few. Thank god for crossfit, without it I may be in a ditch dead.
Today is Mothers Day and unfortunately my family isn't doing anything. I was hoping we would go to dinner or at least hang out together. The two cards I picked up for my Mom are sitting on the table unnoticed. It's discouraging, but it's her day not mine I suppose. I feel that I'm rambling on here. I still have a lot to say but after losing it last week I inadvertently built a wall around my mind and heart and haven't allowed myself back in...I don't know if that makes any sense....I think I get it.
SCY's birthday is in exactly one week. I'm not missing her any less but I almost wish I could. I need at least one day with my mind and heart at ease. I hope she's thinking about me, but I also truly hope she's not feeling as empty as I am right now. My heart is telling me not to give up. I've chased her before and I will continue to do so. I know we will be together when the time is right. Fate brought us back together in January, the rest is up to us. "I" have a lot of obstacles to overcome before "we" can be. I will not give up on this love. I am becoming physically stronger and my mind will soon follow. Hope will keep pushing me.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Drive by encounter
Today has not been easy on my stomach.
I woke up and hit the gym and felt great. I'm starting to become more competitive with Jesse in Crossfit and it feels great. After my workout I got cleaned up and went to lunch and ran a few errands. After I finished my errands I went to the bank on greatneck since it was the closest. On my way I saw SCY driving. I couldn't help but stare at her. It was so quick that I'm not sure if she even saw me, but I broke into a sweat immediately. It was not a good feeling. I went home shortly after.
I came home and went to my room to relax. Colt climbed the stairs and came looking for me. I didn't even see how adorable this was until later because it freaked me out. We sat on my bed and he looked around my room being a nosey little bugger. He saw a picture of Sarah and me and said "Uncle Josh she's pretty". I cried. He turned and asked why I was sad and hugged me. Thank god he doesn't judge me for my mistakes. I brought Colt downstairs and left to go talk to Jay at the gym.... On my way home I pulled up a car behind SCY. I have been avoiding driving in the area on wednesdays for a while but I thought she had finished classes...I was wrong. A pit grew in my throat and stomach, I felt close to vomiting and I couldn't move. I did my best to keep my distance and not pull any closer because I honestly don't know what I would've done if our eyes caught. I worried that she would speed off and avoid looking at me and I couldn't face that so I just stayed behind. She pulled onto London Bridge I kept going straight and as I passed I saw her face look my way. I'm not sure if she recognized my car at the glance or if she was just looking in the direction on accident, but I balled my eyes out. I miss her. I've had zero contact in over a month. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Seeing her today ripped my heart to pieces. I'm more lost now than I was before. I want to contact her but I'm worried I'll be rejected. I don't know if I can handle that. I need to figure this out. Her birthday is right around the corner and I don't think I can completely ignore it. I'm really having a hard time with this. Hopefully in the next few days I'll come to some decisions and also learn to cope with my heartache. I am in love and I cannot ignore my feelings.
"Fate will only get me so far, the rest is up to me"
I woke up and hit the gym and felt great. I'm starting to become more competitive with Jesse in Crossfit and it feels great. After my workout I got cleaned up and went to lunch and ran a few errands. After I finished my errands I went to the bank on greatneck since it was the closest. On my way I saw SCY driving. I couldn't help but stare at her. It was so quick that I'm not sure if she even saw me, but I broke into a sweat immediately. It was not a good feeling. I went home shortly after.
I came home and went to my room to relax. Colt climbed the stairs and came looking for me. I didn't even see how adorable this was until later because it freaked me out. We sat on my bed and he looked around my room being a nosey little bugger. He saw a picture of Sarah and me and said "Uncle Josh she's pretty". I cried. He turned and asked why I was sad and hugged me. Thank god he doesn't judge me for my mistakes. I brought Colt downstairs and left to go talk to Jay at the gym.... On my way home I pulled up a car behind SCY. I have been avoiding driving in the area on wednesdays for a while but I thought she had finished classes...I was wrong. A pit grew in my throat and stomach, I felt close to vomiting and I couldn't move. I did my best to keep my distance and not pull any closer because I honestly don't know what I would've done if our eyes caught. I worried that she would speed off and avoid looking at me and I couldn't face that so I just stayed behind. She pulled onto London Bridge I kept going straight and as I passed I saw her face look my way. I'm not sure if she recognized my car at the glance or if she was just looking in the direction on accident, but I balled my eyes out. I miss her. I've had zero contact in over a month. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Seeing her today ripped my heart to pieces. I'm more lost now than I was before. I want to contact her but I'm worried I'll be rejected. I don't know if I can handle that. I need to figure this out. Her birthday is right around the corner and I don't think I can completely ignore it. I'm really having a hard time with this. Hopefully in the next few days I'll come to some decisions and also learn to cope with my heartache. I am in love and I cannot ignore my feelings.
"Fate will only get me so far, the rest is up to me"
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