"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
- Chuck Palahniuk
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Happy Birthday
Yesterday was SCY's birthday. I hope it was an amazing day for her. She deserves nothing but the best. I wish things were different and I still had an invitation to join. Either way, I hope it was great.
I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time. I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong. Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything. I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday". I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text. I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though. As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked. Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong. They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that. It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again. I've been completely respectful of her wishes. I keep wondering when I was blocked. was it immediately after the phone call? Recently? Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday? This was/is hard for me to handle. I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair. I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do? I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it? or has she already added my email address to her spam folder? There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this. I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves. I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense. I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on. I know what I want to say in person. I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life. I'm still unsure as to what I will do. I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider. Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself. Not to be selfish, just to be safe. I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.
I truly hope your birthday was great. I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year. You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile. I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that. I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you. Happy Birthday to you SCY. I still dream of your kisses.
I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time. I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong. Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything. I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday". I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text. I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though. As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked. Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong. They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that. It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again. I've been completely respectful of her wishes. I keep wondering when I was blocked. was it immediately after the phone call? Recently? Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday? This was/is hard for me to handle. I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair. I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do? I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it? or has she already added my email address to her spam folder? There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this. I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves. I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense. I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on. I know what I want to say in person. I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life. I'm still unsure as to what I will do. I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider. Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself. Not to be selfish, just to be safe. I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.
I truly hope your birthday was great. I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year. You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile. I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that. I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you. Happy Birthday to you SCY. I still dream of your kisses.
The only answer is that there is no answer
I'm already 15 minutes late for a workout so I don't have much time to write but I'm at least going to start this one...
A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me. It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck. I haven't been living. I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing. It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go, but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do. In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus. I need time to heal, to grow, and to live. Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change. I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing. I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice. As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.
I owe a lot to my friends. They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count. In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different. I no longer want to be on the offense. I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely. But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok". I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles. I hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.
A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me. It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck. I haven't been living. I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing. It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go, but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do. In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus. I need time to heal, to grow, and to live. Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change. I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing. I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice. As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.
I owe a lot to my friends. They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count. In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different. I no longer want to be on the offense. I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely. But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok". I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles. I hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Shattered Deadlift PR!
425 pound Deadlift!
I've set two new PR's in the last two days. Shown above is my new max Deadlift at 425 pounds. My previous max was 390 pounds and although I'm excited for my new max, I'd like to say the extra 35 pounds I lifted yesterday were not easy. In the video it shows that my form was not very good. Your back is supposed to be straight and tight when "deadlifting" and as it shows mine was heavily arched immediately. I definitely have some work to do but none the less, I still lifted it. I'm hoping that within the next few weeks I can perfect my technique and form in hopes of breaking this record sooner rather than later.
On Friday I was instructed to find my one rep max for "Front Squats" and I surprisingly lifted 265 pounds. My previous max for this lift was only 205 so I was shocked I lifted so much more with very little trouble. I'm getting stronger and I love it. I'm consistently competing with Jesse in our workouts and even beating him in a few. Thank god for crossfit, without it I may be in a ditch dead.
Today is Mothers Day and unfortunately my family isn't doing anything. I was hoping we would go to dinner or at least hang out together. The two cards I picked up for my Mom are sitting on the table unnoticed. It's discouraging, but it's her day not mine I suppose. I feel that I'm rambling on here. I still have a lot to say but after losing it last week I inadvertently built a wall around my mind and heart and haven't allowed myself back in...I don't know if that makes any sense....I think I get it.
SCY's birthday is in exactly one week. I'm not missing her any less but I almost wish I could. I need at least one day with my mind and heart at ease. I hope she's thinking about me, but I also truly hope she's not feeling as empty as I am right now. My heart is telling me not to give up. I've chased her before and I will continue to do so. I know we will be together when the time is right. Fate brought us back together in January, the rest is up to us. "I" have a lot of obstacles to overcome before "we" can be. I will not give up on this love. I am becoming physically stronger and my mind will soon follow. Hope will keep pushing me.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Drive by encounter
Today has not been easy on my stomach.
I woke up and hit the gym and felt great. I'm starting to become more competitive with Jesse in Crossfit and it feels great. After my workout I got cleaned up and went to lunch and ran a few errands. After I finished my errands I went to the bank on greatneck since it was the closest. On my way I saw SCY driving. I couldn't help but stare at her. It was so quick that I'm not sure if she even saw me, but I broke into a sweat immediately. It was not a good feeling. I went home shortly after.
I came home and went to my room to relax. Colt climbed the stairs and came looking for me. I didn't even see how adorable this was until later because it freaked me out. We sat on my bed and he looked around my room being a nosey little bugger. He saw a picture of Sarah and me and said "Uncle Josh she's pretty". I cried. He turned and asked why I was sad and hugged me. Thank god he doesn't judge me for my mistakes. I brought Colt downstairs and left to go talk to Jay at the gym.... On my way home I pulled up a car behind SCY. I have been avoiding driving in the area on wednesdays for a while but I thought she had finished classes...I was wrong. A pit grew in my throat and stomach, I felt close to vomiting and I couldn't move. I did my best to keep my distance and not pull any closer because I honestly don't know what I would've done if our eyes caught. I worried that she would speed off and avoid looking at me and I couldn't face that so I just stayed behind. She pulled onto London Bridge I kept going straight and as I passed I saw her face look my way. I'm not sure if she recognized my car at the glance or if she was just looking in the direction on accident, but I balled my eyes out. I miss her. I've had zero contact in over a month. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Seeing her today ripped my heart to pieces. I'm more lost now than I was before. I want to contact her but I'm worried I'll be rejected. I don't know if I can handle that. I need to figure this out. Her birthday is right around the corner and I don't think I can completely ignore it. I'm really having a hard time with this. Hopefully in the next few days I'll come to some decisions and also learn to cope with my heartache. I am in love and I cannot ignore my feelings.
"Fate will only get me so far, the rest is up to me"
I woke up and hit the gym and felt great. I'm starting to become more competitive with Jesse in Crossfit and it feels great. After my workout I got cleaned up and went to lunch and ran a few errands. After I finished my errands I went to the bank on greatneck since it was the closest. On my way I saw SCY driving. I couldn't help but stare at her. It was so quick that I'm not sure if she even saw me, but I broke into a sweat immediately. It was not a good feeling. I went home shortly after.
I came home and went to my room to relax. Colt climbed the stairs and came looking for me. I didn't even see how adorable this was until later because it freaked me out. We sat on my bed and he looked around my room being a nosey little bugger. He saw a picture of Sarah and me and said "Uncle Josh she's pretty". I cried. He turned and asked why I was sad and hugged me. Thank god he doesn't judge me for my mistakes. I brought Colt downstairs and left to go talk to Jay at the gym.... On my way home I pulled up a car behind SCY. I have been avoiding driving in the area on wednesdays for a while but I thought she had finished classes...I was wrong. A pit grew in my throat and stomach, I felt close to vomiting and I couldn't move. I did my best to keep my distance and not pull any closer because I honestly don't know what I would've done if our eyes caught. I worried that she would speed off and avoid looking at me and I couldn't face that so I just stayed behind. She pulled onto London Bridge I kept going straight and as I passed I saw her face look my way. I'm not sure if she recognized my car at the glance or if she was just looking in the direction on accident, but I balled my eyes out. I miss her. I've had zero contact in over a month. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Seeing her today ripped my heart to pieces. I'm more lost now than I was before. I want to contact her but I'm worried I'll be rejected. I don't know if I can handle that. I need to figure this out. Her birthday is right around the corner and I don't think I can completely ignore it. I'm really having a hard time with this. Hopefully in the next few days I'll come to some decisions and also learn to cope with my heartache. I am in love and I cannot ignore my feelings.
"Fate will only get me so far, the rest is up to me"
Friday, April 29, 2011
Simple explanations for such an intricate love
Since the day SCY found out I was infatuated with her, she's always asked "why?" I've always said that I would compile a list of the reasons why I love her and what I love about her and in the past I have started many small lists, but i've never completed them. I don't think i'll ever be able to fully complete this list, but I'm going to list a handful of reasons why I am madly in love with Miss SCY. Unfortunately this list will remain only viewable to me as nobody knows about my blog. Maybe one day I'll grow the courage to make contact with her again.
Here we go....
- I love your barbie hands. They are so soft and picture perfect. I love holding them and I love to look at them.
- I love your finger exercises. Especially when you make the noise with your mouth. I've thought about this every day since you first showed me.
- I love the way you touch my cheeks, my neck. or my hair.
- I love how perfectly your hand fits into mine.
- I love how perfectly our bodies fit together in bed, when we dance, when we make love, when we hold each other.
- I love your hair. You have the softest hair that i've ever touched. Even when you are outside doing your family duties in the heat, your hair still smells good, it's still soft, and you still look sexy.
- I love that I can feel your body release and relax when I kiss you on the forehead. It's almost as if that's your "comfort" button.
- (this one might be weird) I love the way the front of your head smells when I kiss it. I don't know what it is, it's just you. It feels like home to me.
- I love that you'll kiss my neck
- I love that you'll kiss/lick my ear.
- I love that you bite my lip at the exact time I want you to.
- I love your lips. They are soft, so giving, so strong, and so sensual. Kissing you is more than just a kiss. Your heart touches my heart when our lips touch.
- I love when you kiss my stars.
- I love how accomplished and proud you feel about having a well manicured lawn. You are such a strong woman and I love your desire for perfection in the areas you care about.
- I love that you are a "tough cookie".
- I love that you work so hard in everything you do. (your family, school, yard work, with me)
- I love that you and your mom take breaks during yard work. I can't begin to express how many times I smiled turning the corner around your fence seeing you and your mom sitting at the table chatting and relaxing. It's perfect to me.
- I love your smile. Your smile is one of a kind. It's from the heart. It's strong, it's brave, it tells a story.
- I love your golden tan.
- I love how you look in a bikini.
- I love how you look in sofies.
- I love that you can wear vans and sandals, but also wear heels and boots. You have such a clean and classy look.
- I love your little blue boots. Don't ever get rid of them.
- I love your red heels and red boots. You will forever be my blond dorothy.
- I love how you look in a dress.
- I love your legs. They are so sexy and look amazing in heels and a dress.
- I love your calves. One of my favorite things to do was to rub your calves down to your feet.
- I love your feet. Your feet are strong and prove that you work hard, but they are still so cute, little, and adorable.
- I love that you let me crack your toes.
- I love when you drag your keys. (I just started crying as I typed this) I looked forward to this every time I dropped you off. It was just as good as a goodnight kiss.
- I love how comfortable you make me feel.
- I love that even no matter what I wear, or how goofy I may be, I always felt that you loved me more and more.
- I love that you were strong enough to tell me you loved me before I did. I was so afraid to scare you away, but you were stronger than me.
- I love the book you made me for Valentines day.
- I love the connection we had at Coldplay. I felt like they were playing for just us. I'll never forget the look in your eyes. I'm so glad i could share your first concert with you.
- I love that every song reminds me of you.
- I love how much music means to you.
- I always bitched about you surfing through songs, but I miss it so much now. Driving isn't the same without it.
- I love that you named your car Rhonda.
- I love the voice you make when you say Rhonda.
- I love how hard you hug me.
- I love how hard you kiss me.
- I love that you would bite my beard.
- I love that you read. Every time I see a book or a library I will forever think of you.
- I love our lovely love story day in DC.
- I love the way you would nuzzle into me in bed.
- I love that I've always felt wanted by you.
- I love every aspect of making love to you.
- I loved the way you welcomed me home from Scotland before we were dating. I will never forget that kiss.
- I loved how easy it is to dip you and kiss you.
- I love that you remembered that I wanted to go to a basketball game....and you surprised me for my birthday.
- I love that you baked me a heart shaped cake with candy on top of it.
- I love you
- I love that I can talk to you for hours. I can talk to you about anything. I always enjoy it. I never want to stop.
- I love that you never gave in to my "ego".
- I love that it's always been me chasing you. Always. You always have me on my toes wanting more of you.
- I love how sexy our first kiss was. I dream of it often.
- I love our first kiss after you came back from spring break. (outside your car in the rain)
- I love that your my navigator on roadtrips and we always get lost. But I'd rather get lost with you than make it somewhere without you.
- I love that you ask me to review your papers for school.
- i love that you kept me informed during the world series at the beach house.
- I love how much you make me smile.
- You make me feel like my laugh is special.
- You make me feel strong.
- You make me want to be a better person.
- You make me want to be vulnerable, to be open, to show my fears.
- You are my strength.
- I love that you sing in the car.
- i love that you're girly.
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you'll two-step with your fingers when I listen to heavy music.
- I love that you've been willing to even listen to that music.
- I love that your a card player.
- I love that you support your family so much.
- I love that you watched Rambo with me.
- I love that you were willing to go out of your comfort zone and try to snowboard with me.
- I love that you broadened my horizons with food.
- I STILL HATE SHRIMP!!! But I keep trying it because of you.
- I love that you got me into sushi. Every roll makes me miss you.
- I love that you tried to be to work and school on time because you knew I liked to be early. That meant so much to me.
- I love that you included me in so much of your life and family.
- I love that you pinch my butt.
- I love that you packed me lunch for work.
- I love that your dogs love me.
- I love that my dogs love you (they don't love anyone)
- I love that my dad told me the first day he met you that you were "the one". My heart still melts thinking of that.
- I am in love with your eyes. You have the purest eyes I've ever encountered. They are so bright and so full of life.
- I love that you say "monies"
- I love calling you my sugar momma
- I love that you always feed me.
- I love your omelets, they are the best.
- I love that you can talk to me.
- I love that we went peach picking. I still want to go apple picking.
- I love your parents.
- I love that you see something in me.
- I love that you have faith in me and believe in me.
- I love that you want to get into photography. I've often thought about setting up classes for you.
- I love that you remind me of my mother in so many ways.
- I love that you have TV shows that you watch with your family.
- I love that you know everything there is to know about Harry Potter.
- I love late night cooking with you in our underwear.
- I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
- I love that you were comfortable with me hanging out with your dad when you were out of town.
- I love how much you enjoy being outside.
- I love our New Years Kiss.
- I love how much you love zippers on your purse and shoes.
- I love that we made love to Imogen Heap.
- I love that you let me use your pink cammo toothbrush over spring break.
- I love that you wanted to see me so badly that you had me sneak into your house by hopping your fence.
- I love when you eat beef stick and cheese.
- I love how excited you get over goat cheese.
- I love your jeanie pants.
- I love that you wipe my tears away when I cry
- I love the way you do your make up. It's so simple and sexy.
- I love that you love avocados
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you are willing to clean your toothpaste container and squeeze from the end for me.
- I love that you sleep in my t-shirts and sweater.
- I love that when we wake up together, you always welcome me with a kiss.
- I love that I know you'll be an amazing mother and wife.
- I love that I can never ever get you off my mind.
- What I love most of all about you....is that when I think of my life 40 years from now, I still see you swinging next to me on the porch.
Here we go....
- I love your barbie hands. They are so soft and picture perfect. I love holding them and I love to look at them.
- I love your finger exercises. Especially when you make the noise with your mouth. I've thought about this every day since you first showed me.
- I love the way you touch my cheeks, my neck. or my hair.
- I love how perfectly your hand fits into mine.
- I love how perfectly our bodies fit together in bed, when we dance, when we make love, when we hold each other.
- I love your hair. You have the softest hair that i've ever touched. Even when you are outside doing your family duties in the heat, your hair still smells good, it's still soft, and you still look sexy.
- I love that I can feel your body release and relax when I kiss you on the forehead. It's almost as if that's your "comfort" button.
- (this one might be weird) I love the way the front of your head smells when I kiss it. I don't know what it is, it's just you. It feels like home to me.
- I love that you'll kiss my neck
- I love that you'll kiss/lick my ear.
- I love that you bite my lip at the exact time I want you to.
- I love your lips. They are soft, so giving, so strong, and so sensual. Kissing you is more than just a kiss. Your heart touches my heart when our lips touch.
- I love when you kiss my stars.
- I love how accomplished and proud you feel about having a well manicured lawn. You are such a strong woman and I love your desire for perfection in the areas you care about.
- I love that you are a "tough cookie".
- I love that you work so hard in everything you do. (your family, school, yard work, with me)
- I love that you and your mom take breaks during yard work. I can't begin to express how many times I smiled turning the corner around your fence seeing you and your mom sitting at the table chatting and relaxing. It's perfect to me.
- I love your smile. Your smile is one of a kind. It's from the heart. It's strong, it's brave, it tells a story.
- I love your golden tan.
- I love how you look in a bikini.
- I love how you look in sofies.
- I love that you can wear vans and sandals, but also wear heels and boots. You have such a clean and classy look.
- I love your little blue boots. Don't ever get rid of them.
- I love your red heels and red boots. You will forever be my blond dorothy.
- I love how you look in a dress.
- I love your legs. They are so sexy and look amazing in heels and a dress.
- I love your calves. One of my favorite things to do was to rub your calves down to your feet.
- I love your feet. Your feet are strong and prove that you work hard, but they are still so cute, little, and adorable.
- I love that you let me crack your toes.
- I love when you drag your keys. (I just started crying as I typed this) I looked forward to this every time I dropped you off. It was just as good as a goodnight kiss.
Picture has been deleted.
I took a picture.. Maybe one day you'll see this. Maybe not...
- I love how comfortable you make me feel.
- I love that even no matter what I wear, or how goofy I may be, I always felt that you loved me more and more.
- I love that you were strong enough to tell me you loved me before I did. I was so afraid to scare you away, but you were stronger than me.
- I love the book you made me for Valentines day.
- I love the connection we had at Coldplay. I felt like they were playing for just us. I'll never forget the look in your eyes. I'm so glad i could share your first concert with you.
- I love that every song reminds me of you.
- I love how much music means to you.
- I always bitched about you surfing through songs, but I miss it so much now. Driving isn't the same without it.
- I love that you named your car Rhonda.
- I love the voice you make when you say Rhonda.
- I love how hard you hug me.
- I love how hard you kiss me.
- I love that you would bite my beard.
- I love that you read. Every time I see a book or a library I will forever think of you.
- I love our lovely love story day in DC.
- I love the way you would nuzzle into me in bed.
- I love that I've always felt wanted by you.
- I love every aspect of making love to you.
- I loved the way you welcomed me home from Scotland before we were dating. I will never forget that kiss.
- I loved how easy it is to dip you and kiss you.
- I love that you remembered that I wanted to go to a basketball game....and you surprised me for my birthday.
- I love that you baked me a heart shaped cake with candy on top of it.
- I love you
- I love that I can talk to you for hours. I can talk to you about anything. I always enjoy it. I never want to stop.
- I love that you never gave in to my "ego".
- I love that it's always been me chasing you. Always. You always have me on my toes wanting more of you.
- I love how sexy our first kiss was. I dream of it often.
- I love our first kiss after you came back from spring break. (outside your car in the rain)
- I love that your my navigator on roadtrips and we always get lost. But I'd rather get lost with you than make it somewhere without you.
- I love that you ask me to review your papers for school.
- i love that you kept me informed during the world series at the beach house.
- I love how much you make me smile.
- You make me feel like my laugh is special.
- You make me feel strong.
- You make me want to be a better person.
- You make me want to be vulnerable, to be open, to show my fears.
- You are my strength.
- I love that you sing in the car.
- i love that you're girly.
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you'll two-step with your fingers when I listen to heavy music.
- I love that you've been willing to even listen to that music.
- I love that your a card player.
- I love that you support your family so much.
- I love that you watched Rambo with me.
- I love that you were willing to go out of your comfort zone and try to snowboard with me.
- I love that you broadened my horizons with food.
- I STILL HATE SHRIMP!!! But I keep trying it because of you.
- I love that you got me into sushi. Every roll makes me miss you.
- I love that you tried to be to work and school on time because you knew I liked to be early. That meant so much to me.
- I love that you included me in so much of your life and family.
- I love that you pinch my butt.
- I love that you packed me lunch for work.
- I love that your dogs love me.
- I love that my dogs love you (they don't love anyone)
- I love that my dad told me the first day he met you that you were "the one". My heart still melts thinking of that.
- I am in love with your eyes. You have the purest eyes I've ever encountered. They are so bright and so full of life.
- I love that you say "monies"
- I love calling you my sugar momma
- I love that you always feed me.
- I love your omelets, they are the best.
- I love that you can talk to me.
- I love that we went peach picking. I still want to go apple picking.
- I love your parents.
- I love that you see something in me.
- I love that you have faith in me and believe in me.
- I love that you want to get into photography. I've often thought about setting up classes for you.
- I love that you remind me of my mother in so many ways.
- I love that you have TV shows that you watch with your family.
- I love that you know everything there is to know about Harry Potter.
- I love late night cooking with you in our underwear.
- I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
- I love that you were comfortable with me hanging out with your dad when you were out of town.
- I love how much you enjoy being outside.
- I love our New Years Kiss.
- I love how much you love zippers on your purse and shoes.
- I love that we made love to Imogen Heap.
- I love that you let me use your pink cammo toothbrush over spring break.
- I love that you wanted to see me so badly that you had me sneak into your house by hopping your fence.
- I love when you eat beef stick and cheese.
- I love how excited you get over goat cheese.
- I love your jeanie pants.
- I love that you wipe my tears away when I cry
- I love the way you do your make up. It's so simple and sexy.
- I love that you love avocados
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you are willing to clean your toothpaste container and squeeze from the end for me.
- I love that you sleep in my t-shirts and sweater.
- I love that when we wake up together, you always welcome me with a kiss.
- I love that I know you'll be an amazing mother and wife.
- I love that I can never ever get you off my mind.
- What I love most of all about you....is that when I think of my life 40 years from now, I still see you swinging next to me on the porch.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
New Deadlift PR
I have yet to take advantage of this blog. My mind is filled with thoughts, concerns, and many other things. Just to stay in touch with the site I'm going to write about my last few workout accomplishments. Last week I posted about my new PR for back squats and front squats. This week I've achieved three new PR's!
Yesterday Jesse and I went for a 4 mile trail run at Seashore State Park. The scenery was amazing....the run sucked. I made the mistake of slamming shots the night before with a few friends and running in 85 degree weather with a hangover does not bode well. Fortunately I made it through and actually ran fairly well. After the run we went back to Jesses' to meet with Sean and Chris as they were trying to do a separate workout. Crossfit.com called for a max Deadlift workout which I had never done before so despite running 4 miles in the heat, I decided to partake in the event. Chris started the lift and found his max lift to be 300 pounds. Just before Sean started, I drove to my house to grab more weights so we could push ourselves to our limits. Sean achieved a new PR at 350 pounds!!! I was extremely excited for the both of them but became very nervous before I started. I'd only done deadlift maybe 4 times before this workout and I was worried I'd either not pull much weight or I'd hurt myself. As I began lifting I found that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I achieved a new PR of 390 pounds! I am thrilled to say that the only reason I stopped at 390 is that we RAN OUT OF WEIGHTS! Every weight in Jesses' garage was on the bar as I Deadlifted it.
Yesterday Jesse and I went for a 4 mile trail run at Seashore State Park. The scenery was amazing....the run sucked. I made the mistake of slamming shots the night before with a few friends and running in 85 degree weather with a hangover does not bode well. Fortunately I made it through and actually ran fairly well. After the run we went back to Jesses' to meet with Sean and Chris as they were trying to do a separate workout. Crossfit.com called for a max Deadlift workout which I had never done before so despite running 4 miles in the heat, I decided to partake in the event. Chris started the lift and found his max lift to be 300 pounds. Just before Sean started, I drove to my house to grab more weights so we could push ourselves to our limits. Sean achieved a new PR at 350 pounds!!! I was extremely excited for the both of them but became very nervous before I started. I'd only done deadlift maybe 4 times before this workout and I was worried I'd either not pull much weight or I'd hurt myself. As I began lifting I found that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I achieved a new PR of 390 pounds! I am thrilled to say that the only reason I stopped at 390 is that we RAN OUT OF WEIGHTS! Every weight in Jesses' garage was on the bar as I Deadlifted it.
390 Pound Deadlift!!!!
Today we focused on two olympic lifts; the Power Snatch and the Split Jerk BTH. This was the second time I've done the power snatch so again I was nervous but came to realize that it wasn't as hard as I anticipated. I power snatched 135 pounds to set my current max. I am confident that I'll surpass this weight in a short period of time but I have a lot of work to do on my form and technique for this lift. The Split Jerk BTH on the other hand went very well. My previous PR for this exercise was 135 pounds and I was able to push 195 pounds today! I failed on my first attempt but forced my way through it on the second.
Working out seems to be the only thing keeping me sane lately. I've been spending so much time running or lifting that I've managed to keep my mind occupied as well. Hopefully I can continue this.....forever. I do not want to think anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I just want to feel good about myself and my life again. Hopefully one day I will figure out how I messed up so badly. I have earned the position I'm in. I have to earn the right to get out. One day at a time.....
I will achieve my goals.
You are my goal.
"You are the anchor that holds me"
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