It's been 8 days and I've officially broken into a hysterical fit. My body is numb. My mind is numb. How can I ever expect to overcome this when I'm not even satisfied with who I am. Everyone keeps asking me if I've spoken to SCY and I have not. Everyone seems to care and I'm appreciative. But the constant reminder is pretty upsetting. I still don't know how she is feeling. I do know that I have been cut off and I am having a hard time staying afloat. This blog is not what I wanted it to be. I started this hoping I'd understand myself. I wanted to write from start to finish about SCY and I in hopes of figuring out how the fuck I allowed myself to screw up in July. I like that I'm writing again, but I don't know if these vent sessions are at all helpful. I want to understand. I want to know. What if I never find out? What if there was no underlying meaning to the mess other than I was drunk and misled. I can't blame the alcohol. I never do this. I never flirt. I never acknowledge girls. I never acknowledged that girl at all. I've become more and more angry thinking of this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I want to find the solution. We are made for each other and I can not allow this to be the end. I will remain respectful and stay away. But I will never give up this search to find the cure, to mend these wounds, to be the man she deserves.
I truly despise myself.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Song that gives me hope
Just Like Heaven-
"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face I kissed her neck
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Oh, won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face I kissed her neck
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Oh, won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
A step towards understanding, a leap towards acceptance.
It has almost been a week since SCY and I last spoke. These last five days have not been easy but I've surprisingly kept my composure throughout the days...the nights on the other hand have been extremely difficult. Most days have been occupied by work and hitting the gym. Thankfully I've been able to maintain my typical routine aside from having contact with SCY. When it comes to settling down and getting into bed I've had some difficulty relaxing and controlling my thoughts. I have not taken any photos down of SCY and I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I love seeing her but at the same time it's a constant reminder that I've fucked up and my mistake in july has become my definition to a large group of people that mean a lot to me. I am extremely confused and I still don't know what to do...
I really don't want to write anything right now but I have so much on my mind. I will continue my story on "the chase" here soon but I'm not ready to jump back on that road just yet.
Since SCY called me I have been deleted on facebook by every member of her family, hundreds of photos of me have been deleted, and she has untagged herself in almost every photo she and I were tagged in. To top it all off she backed out of Sarah B's wedding because I am also in the wedding (or at least that's the assumption) I'm worried about her. Her family has every right to not prefer me and discuss the situation with SCY, but realistically she is an adult and her wishes should also be respected. On the other hand, maybe this is all her decision and not her parents. Maybe when she confessed that we were involved again she decided it wasn't worth it. That's hard to swallow considering less than a week before we spoke about how we wanted to marry each other and grow old together with a family. I saved the text messages because I'm not ready to give up.
It really hurt seeing all of her family members delete me one by one. I don't know if SCY herself requested that everyone do it, or if her parents did. It only hurts because realistically if it was ever going to happen, it should've happened in July, not now. I'm still confused as to how we were so excited to see each other, to talk, to express our love for each other again, and in a matter of two days after SCY spoke to her mother, she decided that I could no longer be a part of her life. I want to talk to her, I want to ask so many questions, but I can't allow myself to do so. I will eventually...I don't know how yet, but I have to give it time. Whether it's her decision or not, she is pushing me away right now. Actually she is cutting me off and building mile high barriers around herself. But I must respect it. Despite the pain of being deleted from fb and photos, I must remain strong. I have an idea of what I will say but I want to make sure I am prepared as well. I do not want my emotions to get the best of me, if she decides to keep me out of her life forever, I want to make sure whatever I say is recognized as respectful, well thought out, and from the heart. It may take me another week, it may take me a year, I really don't know. What I do know is that I want to spend my life with SCY. I will forever face my fears and faults. I will stand tall for what I believe in and I believe SCY and i are meant to be.
I want to know what is going through her mind. I've had the hardest time getting sleep this last week. Falling asleep is difficult when I constantly think about what's going on, but it's also hard when I've woken up in tears every night since we last spoke. I want to know if she lays in bed like I do, thinking of her, thinking of the family I want to have with her, hoping that one day I will have the chance to kiss her again. Does she care? Is she hurting like I am? I certainly hope she is not in pain, but I do hope she is not satisfied with the situation we are in. I want to ask her what she asked me when we first saw each other again..."Are you happy?". I am not. I have cried, not nearly as much as I anticipated, but I also feel as if I haven't faced it yet. I am still numb to the thought of not talking to her anymore and of being out forever. I've felt it come on a few times but I've forced it away because I just can't lose it yet. It's inevitably going to happen, but I'm pushing it away. I just hope she's ok. I will accept pain for the rest of my life if it means she will be happy forever. I love her. I hope I can make it back into her life. I have a long road ahead of me. My first obstacle is believing in myself. My mistakes do not define me. I am a good person. I have a wonderful heart. I know it's true. I will not give up. I Love you SCY. It's 2:30 am and I still can't get your gorgeous face off my mind.
I have more to say, but I need a mental break from thinking. I will continue expressing my thoughts and emotions in future posts. I will eventually get back to my story line once I have my head straight. Come on Josh, Remember to breathe.
I really don't want to write anything right now but I have so much on my mind. I will continue my story on "the chase" here soon but I'm not ready to jump back on that road just yet.
Since SCY called me I have been deleted on facebook by every member of her family, hundreds of photos of me have been deleted, and she has untagged herself in almost every photo she and I were tagged in. To top it all off she backed out of Sarah B's wedding because I am also in the wedding (or at least that's the assumption) I'm worried about her. Her family has every right to not prefer me and discuss the situation with SCY, but realistically she is an adult and her wishes should also be respected. On the other hand, maybe this is all her decision and not her parents. Maybe when she confessed that we were involved again she decided it wasn't worth it. That's hard to swallow considering less than a week before we spoke about how we wanted to marry each other and grow old together with a family. I saved the text messages because I'm not ready to give up.
It really hurt seeing all of her family members delete me one by one. I don't know if SCY herself requested that everyone do it, or if her parents did. It only hurts because realistically if it was ever going to happen, it should've happened in July, not now. I'm still confused as to how we were so excited to see each other, to talk, to express our love for each other again, and in a matter of two days after SCY spoke to her mother, she decided that I could no longer be a part of her life. I want to talk to her, I want to ask so many questions, but I can't allow myself to do so. I will eventually...I don't know how yet, but I have to give it time. Whether it's her decision or not, she is pushing me away right now. Actually she is cutting me off and building mile high barriers around herself. But I must respect it. Despite the pain of being deleted from fb and photos, I must remain strong. I have an idea of what I will say but I want to make sure I am prepared as well. I do not want my emotions to get the best of me, if she decides to keep me out of her life forever, I want to make sure whatever I say is recognized as respectful, well thought out, and from the heart. It may take me another week, it may take me a year, I really don't know. What I do know is that I want to spend my life with SCY. I will forever face my fears and faults. I will stand tall for what I believe in and I believe SCY and i are meant to be.
I want to know what is going through her mind. I've had the hardest time getting sleep this last week. Falling asleep is difficult when I constantly think about what's going on, but it's also hard when I've woken up in tears every night since we last spoke. I want to know if she lays in bed like I do, thinking of her, thinking of the family I want to have with her, hoping that one day I will have the chance to kiss her again. Does she care? Is she hurting like I am? I certainly hope she is not in pain, but I do hope she is not satisfied with the situation we are in. I want to ask her what she asked me when we first saw each other again..."Are you happy?". I am not. I have cried, not nearly as much as I anticipated, but I also feel as if I haven't faced it yet. I am still numb to the thought of not talking to her anymore and of being out forever. I've felt it come on a few times but I've forced it away because I just can't lose it yet. It's inevitably going to happen, but I'm pushing it away. I just hope she's ok. I will accept pain for the rest of my life if it means she will be happy forever. I love her. I hope I can make it back into her life. I have a long road ahead of me. My first obstacle is believing in myself. My mistakes do not define me. I am a good person. I have a wonderful heart. I know it's true. I will not give up. I Love you SCY. It's 2:30 am and I still can't get your gorgeous face off my mind.
I have more to say, but I need a mental break from thinking. I will continue expressing my thoughts and emotions in future posts. I will eventually get back to my story line once I have my head straight. Come on Josh, Remember to breathe.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Heartbroken
SCY called me this afternoon at 2:17pm and told me that we were over forever.
Today has been rough to say the least. I really have nothing to write at this moment. Actually I have a lot to write, but right now I'm stable and I don't know if I can handle any hysterical moments again. I am in love with a woman that will never have the support of her family if she is with me. This hurts more than I can say.... I wish I weren't here. I'm having some serious thoughts about saving everyone anymore heartache. It seems obvious that all I do is cause harm. My hands are shaking as I type. I don't want to hurt anymore but I can not allow myself to hurt the few that care about me. I'm miserable. I love you SCY
Today has been rough to say the least. I really have nothing to write at this moment. Actually I have a lot to write, but right now I'm stable and I don't know if I can handle any hysterical moments again. I am in love with a woman that will never have the support of her family if she is with me. This hurts more than I can say.... I wish I weren't here. I'm having some serious thoughts about saving everyone anymore heartache. It seems obvious that all I do is cause harm. My hands are shaking as I type. I don't want to hurt anymore but I can not allow myself to hurt the few that care about me. I'm miserable. I love you SCY
Another sleepless night. More pain and regret
I am going to take a break from the story for a bit to release some feelings....
I am in pain. I am always in pain. While i've been writing these few posts I'm having difficulty focusing because I have so many memories, thoughts, and opinions going through my mind. Revisiting some of these memories is bitter sweet. Thinking of how low I was makes me feel as if I will make it out of the position I'm in. But on the other hand, thinking of the hope I once had and thinking ahead to the great times I'm going to write about is leaving me in doubt. Not of myself, not of us, but of the situation and the outside influence. I am in love and I have put myself in a position that leaves me hanging by my fingertips. I am dangling in front of a library full of romance and love stories and my library card is outdated. I've contemplated pulling out completely in order to cause you less pain, but I don't think that would actually solve anything. We would both hurt more. I can not give up. I will not give up. I will never stop my pursuit to obtain the love and comfort we share. You will always have my heart. Even if I am no longer welcome in your families presence, I will never give up and i will always try. I love you...I don't want to hurt anymore.
I am in pain. I am always in pain. While i've been writing these few posts I'm having difficulty focusing because I have so many memories, thoughts, and opinions going through my mind. Revisiting some of these memories is bitter sweet. Thinking of how low I was makes me feel as if I will make it out of the position I'm in. But on the other hand, thinking of the hope I once had and thinking ahead to the great times I'm going to write about is leaving me in doubt. Not of myself, not of us, but of the situation and the outside influence. I am in love and I have put myself in a position that leaves me hanging by my fingertips. I am dangling in front of a library full of romance and love stories and my library card is outdated. I've contemplated pulling out completely in order to cause you less pain, but I don't think that would actually solve anything. We would both hurt more. I can not give up. I will not give up. I will never stop my pursuit to obtain the love and comfort we share. You will always have my heart. Even if I am no longer welcome in your families presence, I will never give up and i will always try. I love you...I don't want to hurt anymore.
From depression to The Chase
The summer of 2008 started out with some of my most selfish times. All I cared about was my own satisfaction. I had dropped all major insecurities but I also fell into a state of depression. I was unhappy with who I had become and my lack of accomplishment in life. The hardest part was that I had no desire to overcome my low point. Instead, each day I focused on where I was going to party and how drunk I was going to get. This summer I went from a weight of approximately 195 pounds to a sickening 233 pounds. I gave up on personal growth and surrounded myself with immediate satisfaction. I met a lot of people this summer, guys and girls, and I treated everyone as if they were easily replaceable. I went on a few dates and had no actual desire to be around the girls, I would have them buy me drinks then I would leave without saying goodbye (not always, but this happened the majority of the time). I lost sight of my goals and in a nut shell...just stopped trying. I stayed this way all summer. I do remember the first time I realized how ridiculous I had become. I was "creeping" on facebook sometime in July and stumbled across SCY's page. I had always gone to her page before and checked out her photos and admired her beauty but I never had the courage to add her or even contact her. For whatever reason, this day was the day I wanted to make a move...So I sent SCY a friend request. Immediately after I sent the request I realized that everything I had done up to that point was destroying me. In my mind I thought "How can SCY ever find me attractive in this physical shape and why would she ever talk to me if I was always hammered?". This was the first girl that I had truly fallen infatuated with and the crazy part was that I had only spoken to her once. I didn't even know her and I was worried about what she thought about me...Needless to say, this inspired me to make a change.
SCY added me about a week later. At this point it was August and I had already made a few attempts at getting back into shape. I started running again and did my best to eat healthy. But my fitness was set aside the minute I accessed her page and found out that she was newly single. I was at work at the time and I "flipped a shit" to say the least. I yelled to my friend Barry to come over and we talked about how I could hang out with her. His girlfriend at the time was good friends with SCY and we went through every idea we could imagine for the two of us to be in the same room. A few days later I lucked out. Barry had invited me out to a house party in Norfolk for his girlfriend and some of her friends. I had lost about 5 pounds from running and was finally starting to feel good about myself again and was ready to go out and celebrate. As I walked into the party, I realized that I didn't know the majority of the crowd but I was able to find comfort in Barry and a few of our other friends. I grabbed a beer and snagged a spot on the couch with the boys and started chatting about nonsense when out of the corner of my eye I saw a blonde in a formfitting blue and white striped dress facing the DJ dancing....It was SCY. As I write this I vividly remember the feeling I had run through me. Every hair on my body stood up and a chill ran down my spine, a cold ball quickly grew in my stomach and my lower back started to sweat. My mind was racing with opportunity. I had dreamed of this girl for months, drooled over her facebook photos, and this was all new to me. I had never encountered a girl that I became so infatuated with..ever. I noticed that Bradley was standing near SCY so I took the opportunity to get closer. I told Bradley happy birthday and continued with some small talk in hopes that SCY would turn my way and give me an opening to work with....She did not. I don't even think she noticed me once. SCY walked into the kitchen and I made my way back to the couch with the boys. On my way I was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious girl that I had hung out with earlier in the summer, Claire (what a mistake that was).
sidenote, I met Claire at a party earlier in the year and she was a drunken mess just like I was. She came off extremely easy and in my low state of mind I decided she was a girl I'd talk to. We went to the movies once and encountered each other at a few parties but she was self important, annoying, and overall just not at all interesting. I stopped talking to Claire cold turkey and she apparently didn't take it very well.
Back to the story, Claire stopped me and she was clearly intoxicated. I don't recall everything that was said but I do remember that she called me an asshole for not talking to her anymore. The funny part is that when SKC came up, Claire made a point to say that she didn't care if I talked to her or not. I was extremely confused because I thought it was made clear that she and I never had anything and never would. I was obviously wrong. She turned to talk to SKC and i took this chance to get the fuck away! I started talking to Barry about how SCY didn't even notice me and how much I wanted to talk to her and as I was rambling he put his hand on my mouth and turned my head. SCY was right behind me looking for vodka to mix in her mountain dew. DING DING DING, I BROUGHT TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA FOR BRADLEY! I took the chance to reintroduce myself and tell SCY that I knew where she could find some liquor. She replied with "I know who you are, what's up with you and Claire". I felt like I had jumped into a pool of quicksand. I quickly replied with the same response I had given everyone, "There's nothing between Claire and I, we're just friends". SCY rolled her eyes and walked away. I was determined to overcome the Clare bullshit and walked into the kitchen behind her but I think she knew my game plan because she continued turning her head away from me and leaving any room I was in. About an hour later I was sitting on the couch with Barry and SCY came and sat between us. She asked if I was having fun and we continued with some small talk. Someone texted her as we were talking so she gave me her drink and reached down to her purse and put her left hand on my knee. I swear I didn't wash those jeans for a month after. She continued asking about Claire and I kept explaining the situation was never anything serious. Our conversation was interrupted by Miley Cyrus, SCY jumped up to dance with all of her girlfriends and I sat with Barry and told him how much I wanted her. The rest of the night wasn't very important. Barry drank too much and I carried him inside from the back deck after he threw up. SCY was bummed out because her ex wouldn't stop texting her and I couldn't get passed the stigma of Claire even though we never had anything. I said my goodbyes and I left.
With some more experience with SCY under my belt, I was feeling great. I knew I had some speed bumps ahead of me, but I was still full speed ready to go. I continued working out and focused on progressing at my job. I would try and fb chat with SCY a few times a week, she would rarely respond, but a few times we had some nice conversations. The following week I went to a party at Brian's house for Claire's birthday. I only went because I knew SCY was going to be there and this night went very well. I spent a good portion of the night sitting with SCY chatting about nonsense while she showed me photos on a camera and asked me how she looked and if I liked her shoes. I FUCKING LOVED HER SHOES! While we were talking she again put her hand on my knee...This time I think it was because she was drunk, but I didn't care. She smelled so nice and looked amazing. I was just so happy to be sitting with her involved in her night. (Looking back at this makes me feel like I was such a little wuss about all of it. I was so afraid to talk to her, so afraid to be rejected, but at the same time so excited to try). The rest of the night continued the same way, I spoke with SCY for a while and went home happy.
When I met SCY I had given up on being happy. I kept that thought process for a while but once I officially met her I saw hope. More hope than I had before. More excitement than i could ever imagine...and again, I barely knew her. I was looking to redefine myself and I saw SCY in my future.
Still remaining to discuss,
Depression
The Chase
Love
So much more
SCY added me about a week later. At this point it was August and I had already made a few attempts at getting back into shape. I started running again and did my best to eat healthy. But my fitness was set aside the minute I accessed her page and found out that she was newly single. I was at work at the time and I "flipped a shit" to say the least. I yelled to my friend Barry to come over and we talked about how I could hang out with her. His girlfriend at the time was good friends with SCY and we went through every idea we could imagine for the two of us to be in the same room. A few days later I lucked out. Barry had invited me out to a house party in Norfolk for his girlfriend and some of her friends. I had lost about 5 pounds from running and was finally starting to feel good about myself again and was ready to go out and celebrate. As I walked into the party, I realized that I didn't know the majority of the crowd but I was able to find comfort in Barry and a few of our other friends. I grabbed a beer and snagged a spot on the couch with the boys and started chatting about nonsense when out of the corner of my eye I saw a blonde in a formfitting blue and white striped dress facing the DJ dancing....It was SCY. As I write this I vividly remember the feeling I had run through me. Every hair on my body stood up and a chill ran down my spine, a cold ball quickly grew in my stomach and my lower back started to sweat. My mind was racing with opportunity. I had dreamed of this girl for months, drooled over her facebook photos, and this was all new to me. I had never encountered a girl that I became so infatuated with..ever. I noticed that Bradley was standing near SCY so I took the opportunity to get closer. I told Bradley happy birthday and continued with some small talk in hopes that SCY would turn my way and give me an opening to work with....She did not. I don't even think she noticed me once. SCY walked into the kitchen and I made my way back to the couch with the boys. On my way I was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious girl that I had hung out with earlier in the summer, Claire (what a mistake that was).
sidenote, I met Claire at a party earlier in the year and she was a drunken mess just like I was. She came off extremely easy and in my low state of mind I decided she was a girl I'd talk to. We went to the movies once and encountered each other at a few parties but she was self important, annoying, and overall just not at all interesting. I stopped talking to Claire cold turkey and she apparently didn't take it very well.
Back to the story, Claire stopped me and she was clearly intoxicated. I don't recall everything that was said but I do remember that she called me an asshole for not talking to her anymore. The funny part is that when SKC came up, Claire made a point to say that she didn't care if I talked to her or not. I was extremely confused because I thought it was made clear that she and I never had anything and never would. I was obviously wrong. She turned to talk to SKC and i took this chance to get the fuck away! I started talking to Barry about how SCY didn't even notice me and how much I wanted to talk to her and as I was rambling he put his hand on my mouth and turned my head. SCY was right behind me looking for vodka to mix in her mountain dew. DING DING DING, I BROUGHT TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA FOR BRADLEY! I took the chance to reintroduce myself and tell SCY that I knew where she could find some liquor. She replied with "I know who you are, what's up with you and Claire". I felt like I had jumped into a pool of quicksand. I quickly replied with the same response I had given everyone, "There's nothing between Claire and I, we're just friends". SCY rolled her eyes and walked away. I was determined to overcome the Clare bullshit and walked into the kitchen behind her but I think she knew my game plan because she continued turning her head away from me and leaving any room I was in. About an hour later I was sitting on the couch with Barry and SCY came and sat between us. She asked if I was having fun and we continued with some small talk. Someone texted her as we were talking so she gave me her drink and reached down to her purse and put her left hand on my knee. I swear I didn't wash those jeans for a month after. She continued asking about Claire and I kept explaining the situation was never anything serious. Our conversation was interrupted by Miley Cyrus, SCY jumped up to dance with all of her girlfriends and I sat with Barry and told him how much I wanted her. The rest of the night wasn't very important. Barry drank too much and I carried him inside from the back deck after he threw up. SCY was bummed out because her ex wouldn't stop texting her and I couldn't get passed the stigma of Claire even though we never had anything. I said my goodbyes and I left.
With some more experience with SCY under my belt, I was feeling great. I knew I had some speed bumps ahead of me, but I was still full speed ready to go. I continued working out and focused on progressing at my job. I would try and fb chat with SCY a few times a week, she would rarely respond, but a few times we had some nice conversations. The following week I went to a party at Brian's house for Claire's birthday. I only went because I knew SCY was going to be there and this night went very well. I spent a good portion of the night sitting with SCY chatting about nonsense while she showed me photos on a camera and asked me how she looked and if I liked her shoes. I FUCKING LOVED HER SHOES! While we were talking she again put her hand on my knee...This time I think it was because she was drunk, but I didn't care. She smelled so nice and looked amazing. I was just so happy to be sitting with her involved in her night. (Looking back at this makes me feel like I was such a little wuss about all of it. I was so afraid to talk to her, so afraid to be rejected, but at the same time so excited to try). The rest of the night continued the same way, I spoke with SCY for a while and went home happy.
When I met SCY I had given up on being happy. I kept that thought process for a while but once I officially met her I saw hope. More hope than I had before. More excitement than i could ever imagine...and again, I barely knew her. I was looking to redefine myself and I saw SCY in my future.
Still remaining to discuss,
Depression
The Chase
Love
So much more
Monday, March 21, 2011
Image and Insecurities.
For as long as I can remember I've always displayed an enormous amount of confidence in myself and everything I do. I can't even fathom the number of people that have told me I'm "too much" or "too cocky". I respect anyone that is confident (for good reason) and I guess I've always expected the same with everyone. After years of repetition, these accusations made me want to evaluate my personality. I've always tried to be self aware but these last 8 months have proven to be more eye opening and humbling than the last 24+ years of my life. I've recently realized that in the past when I thought I was evaluating myself I was barely going through the motions. I think the best way to describe my new understanding is that I'm finally accepting adulthood. Not just taking on more responsibility, but understanding embarrassment, respect, and trust in more ways than I have before.
"I look good"
"I'm awesome"
These are common phrases in my everyday vocabulary. In all reality I don't think I'm very attractive nor do I think I'm very cool. While I do enjoy the shock and awe effect when conversing, these statements have no substance behind them. My confidence does not come from my appearance or how I party (I'm typically a wallflower at parties anyway), it comes from my heart. My heart is both my biggest strength and weakness in my world. But I live by my heart, and that is the soul supplier of my confidence.
Let me explain...
I am in love with a wonderful woman. Unfortunately we are not together due to my actions, but I am completely infatuated with her. She is my angel. While we were dating, I lived every day to be by her side, to support her, to love her and make her feel wanted. If she was ever in need, I would jump at the chance to help her. Even today, I would give my life if it meant she would have the chance to live the life of her dreams. I will love her until I take my last breath.
My family has dealt with so much. My parents didn't have very much money when I was growing up but they did their best to make sure my sister and I were happy and loved every day. Because of this I always express my love for my parents and sister. I love being around them, i love helping them and making jokes. My father lost his job a few years ago and I moved back home and helped out as much as I could financially until they got back on their feet. I ended up living paycheck to paycheck but we still had each other and that's all that matters.
My friends have kept me alive these last 8 months. Going from the highest point in my life to the lowest of all lows, they ensured that I held on to any and all hope that I had in my heart to be happy. For this (and so much more) I am forever grateful. I've always supported my friends and expressed my care for them. Because of this, I'm the one they call when they are hurting or need to talk. Ian has loaded a gun, gone to a roof top to dive onto concrete, and cut himself all on multiple occasions. I was there to kick in his door and grab the shotgun, to throw my body in front of his when he was trying to jump off the roof, to take the blade away when he had lost all hope. My point isn't to bring him down or bring myself up, but to show that no matter what the occasion, my heart will always be here for love and support of the ones that matter to me. I'm not cocky because I think I'm the greatest, I'm confident because I have the heart that wants to make a difference in this world and I've shared that with these few people.
It's a great feeling to finally understand a portion of my mind that I never was able to before, but on the other hand, I've grown a lot of insecurities as well. When I was younger I would be jealous of guys when I had a girlfriend but that was....probably ten years ago. I had some bad experiences but i grew passed them. I dated a girl for just under four years after I graduated high school. The relationship started off great but quickly went downhill. She and I had nothing in common and I found myself changing to be who she and her family wanted me to be rather than growing and accepting myself for who I was. The relationship officially ended in 2007 over superficial reasons and although it was painful, it was the best for the both of us. Even though it was the better decision to break up, I was left hurt by the actual delivery and personal stabs supplied by her. I ended up dating around, trying to find myself and the meaning of love and life but had no immediate luck. I felt that I couldn't trust any female at all. I ended up finding peace with myself and realized that the relationship I was in was a great example of what I do NOT want in my life ever again. So rather than feel sorry for myself any longer, I began my journey to find Joshua and live. It still took a while...but I remember the day I actually experienced the first feeling of hope....It was March 20, 2008. I had gotten tattooed the day before and on the night of the 20th I went up to my work to see a few friends. As I was sitting on the bench next to the front door, SCY walked in...It was as if I jumped off a trampoline and landed on my back... my breath was taken away. She had the prettiest brown eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen. I caught myself staring at her every time she would turn the other way. She was gorgeous, she was sexy, she was classy, but she had a boyfriend... At this point, i truly did not care that she was unavailable for I had just experienced the heaviest heart beat I'd ever imagined. I fell in love with her and the facebook creeping began shortly after....but that's for another post.... The spark of hope made me realize that the reason I was insecure wasn't because I was a jealous person, it was because I was not with someone that shared any interests as me, any desires, or anything of the such. The few words spoken with SCY were enough to make my mouth dry and my palms sweat, this was so unexpected but exactly what I needed. Throughout the next 16 months I would experience so much growth, but this as well will be discussed in another post.
With a newfound acceptance of my confidence I changed my outlook on life and pursued happiness. Jealousy and insecurities were buried away and left behind and I had no intentions of looking back.
On the agenda for the next post....
I will continue explaining my journey from secure back to myself now(insecure). I will also eventually discuss my goals, my work frustrations, and my love life and all thoughts and concerns on the matter. It's going to take a while.
I just read this post and realized I jumped all around with my subject matter. All in all this is more so for me to vent rather than for anyone to read and analyze, but if anyone is unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog and continue reading...keep in mind that you are choosing to read my rants and unstable thought process.
"I look good"
"I'm awesome"
These are common phrases in my everyday vocabulary. In all reality I don't think I'm very attractive nor do I think I'm very cool. While I do enjoy the shock and awe effect when conversing, these statements have no substance behind them. My confidence does not come from my appearance or how I party (I'm typically a wallflower at parties anyway), it comes from my heart. My heart is both my biggest strength and weakness in my world. But I live by my heart, and that is the soul supplier of my confidence.
Let me explain...
I am in love with a wonderful woman. Unfortunately we are not together due to my actions, but I am completely infatuated with her. She is my angel. While we were dating, I lived every day to be by her side, to support her, to love her and make her feel wanted. If she was ever in need, I would jump at the chance to help her. Even today, I would give my life if it meant she would have the chance to live the life of her dreams. I will love her until I take my last breath.
My family has dealt with so much. My parents didn't have very much money when I was growing up but they did their best to make sure my sister and I were happy and loved every day. Because of this I always express my love for my parents and sister. I love being around them, i love helping them and making jokes. My father lost his job a few years ago and I moved back home and helped out as much as I could financially until they got back on their feet. I ended up living paycheck to paycheck but we still had each other and that's all that matters.
My friends have kept me alive these last 8 months. Going from the highest point in my life to the lowest of all lows, they ensured that I held on to any and all hope that I had in my heart to be happy. For this (and so much more) I am forever grateful. I've always supported my friends and expressed my care for them. Because of this, I'm the one they call when they are hurting or need to talk. Ian has loaded a gun, gone to a roof top to dive onto concrete, and cut himself all on multiple occasions. I was there to kick in his door and grab the shotgun, to throw my body in front of his when he was trying to jump off the roof, to take the blade away when he had lost all hope. My point isn't to bring him down or bring myself up, but to show that no matter what the occasion, my heart will always be here for love and support of the ones that matter to me. I'm not cocky because I think I'm the greatest, I'm confident because I have the heart that wants to make a difference in this world and I've shared that with these few people.
It's a great feeling to finally understand a portion of my mind that I never was able to before, but on the other hand, I've grown a lot of insecurities as well. When I was younger I would be jealous of guys when I had a girlfriend but that was....probably ten years ago. I had some bad experiences but i grew passed them. I dated a girl for just under four years after I graduated high school. The relationship started off great but quickly went downhill. She and I had nothing in common and I found myself changing to be who she and her family wanted me to be rather than growing and accepting myself for who I was. The relationship officially ended in 2007 over superficial reasons and although it was painful, it was the best for the both of us. Even though it was the better decision to break up, I was left hurt by the actual delivery and personal stabs supplied by her. I ended up dating around, trying to find myself and the meaning of love and life but had no immediate luck. I felt that I couldn't trust any female at all. I ended up finding peace with myself and realized that the relationship I was in was a great example of what I do NOT want in my life ever again. So rather than feel sorry for myself any longer, I began my journey to find Joshua and live. It still took a while...but I remember the day I actually experienced the first feeling of hope....It was March 20, 2008. I had gotten tattooed the day before and on the night of the 20th I went up to my work to see a few friends. As I was sitting on the bench next to the front door, SCY walked in...It was as if I jumped off a trampoline and landed on my back... my breath was taken away. She had the prettiest brown eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen. I caught myself staring at her every time she would turn the other way. She was gorgeous, she was sexy, she was classy, but she had a boyfriend... At this point, i truly did not care that she was unavailable for I had just experienced the heaviest heart beat I'd ever imagined. I fell in love with her and the facebook creeping began shortly after....but that's for another post.... The spark of hope made me realize that the reason I was insecure wasn't because I was a jealous person, it was because I was not with someone that shared any interests as me, any desires, or anything of the such. The few words spoken with SCY were enough to make my mouth dry and my palms sweat, this was so unexpected but exactly what I needed. Throughout the next 16 months I would experience so much growth, but this as well will be discussed in another post.
With a newfound acceptance of my confidence I changed my outlook on life and pursued happiness. Jealousy and insecurities were buried away and left behind and I had no intentions of looking back.
On the agenda for the next post....
I will continue explaining my journey from secure back to myself now(insecure). I will also eventually discuss my goals, my work frustrations, and my love life and all thoughts and concerns on the matter. It's going to take a while.
I just read this post and realized I jumped all around with my subject matter. All in all this is more so for me to vent rather than for anyone to read and analyze, but if anyone is unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog and continue reading...keep in mind that you are choosing to read my rants and unstable thought process.
Introduction
I have started this blog as an escape, a release from both the pain and joys of life and love. I am unsure of how much I will be able to express, but I am dedicating myself to understanding myself and my experiences.
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