For as long as I can remember I've always displayed an enormous amount of confidence in myself and everything I do. I can't even fathom the number of people that have told me I'm "too much" or "too cocky". I respect anyone that is confident (for good reason) and I guess I've always expected the same with everyone. After years of repetition, these accusations made me want to evaluate my personality. I've always tried to be self aware but these last 8 months have proven to be more eye opening and humbling than the last 24+ years of my life. I've recently realized that in the past when I thought I was evaluating myself I was barely going through the motions. I think the best way to describe my new understanding is that I'm finally accepting adulthood. Not just taking on more responsibility, but understanding embarrassment, respect, and trust in more ways than I have before.
"I look good"
"I'm awesome"
These are common phrases in my everyday vocabulary. In all reality I don't think I'm very attractive nor do I think I'm very cool. While I do enjoy the shock and awe effect when conversing, these statements have no substance behind them. My confidence does not come from my appearance or how I party (I'm typically a wallflower at parties anyway), it comes from my heart. My heart is both my biggest strength and weakness in my world. But I live by my heart, and that is the soul supplier of my confidence.
Let me explain...
I am in love with a wonderful woman. Unfortunately we are not together due to my actions, but I am completely infatuated with her. She is my angel. While we were dating, I lived every day to be by her side, to support her, to love her and make her feel wanted. If she was ever in need, I would jump at the chance to help her. Even today, I would give my life if it meant she would have the chance to live the life of her dreams. I will love her until I take my last breath.
My family has dealt with so much. My parents didn't have very much money when I was growing up but they did their best to make sure my sister and I were happy and loved every day. Because of this I always express my love for my parents and sister. I love being around them, i love helping them and making jokes. My father lost his job a few years ago and I moved back home and helped out as much as I could financially until they got back on their feet. I ended up living paycheck to paycheck but we still had each other and that's all that matters.
My friends have kept me alive these last 8 months. Going from the highest point in my life to the lowest of all lows, they ensured that I held on to any and all hope that I had in my heart to be happy. For this (and so much more) I am forever grateful. I've always supported my friends and expressed my care for them. Because of this, I'm the one they call when they are hurting or need to talk. Ian has loaded a gun, gone to a roof top to dive onto concrete, and cut himself all on multiple occasions. I was there to kick in his door and grab the shotgun, to throw my body in front of his when he was trying to jump off the roof, to take the blade away when he had lost all hope. My point isn't to bring him down or bring myself up, but to show that no matter what the occasion, my heart will always be here for love and support of the ones that matter to me. I'm not cocky because I think I'm the greatest, I'm confident because I have the heart that wants to make a difference in this world and I've shared that with these few people.
It's a great feeling to finally understand a portion of my mind that I never was able to before, but on the other hand, I've grown a lot of insecurities as well. When I was younger I would be jealous of guys when I had a girlfriend but that was....probably ten years ago. I had some bad experiences but i grew passed them. I dated a girl for just under four years after I graduated high school. The relationship started off great but quickly went downhill. She and I had nothing in common and I found myself changing to be who she and her family wanted me to be rather than growing and accepting myself for who I was. The relationship officially ended in 2007 over superficial reasons and although it was painful, it was the best for the both of us. Even though it was the better decision to break up, I was left hurt by the actual delivery and personal stabs supplied by her. I ended up dating around, trying to find myself and the meaning of love and life but had no immediate luck. I felt that I couldn't trust any female at all. I ended up finding peace with myself and realized that the relationship I was in was a great example of what I do NOT want in my life ever again. So rather than feel sorry for myself any longer, I began my journey to find Joshua and live. It still took a while...but I remember the day I actually experienced the first feeling of hope....It was March 20, 2008. I had gotten tattooed the day before and on the night of the 20th I went up to my work to see a few friends. As I was sitting on the bench next to the front door, SCY walked in...It was as if I jumped off a trampoline and landed on my back... my breath was taken away. She had the prettiest brown eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen. I caught myself staring at her every time she would turn the other way. She was gorgeous, she was sexy, she was classy, but she had a boyfriend... At this point, i truly did not care that she was unavailable for I had just experienced the heaviest heart beat I'd ever imagined. I fell in love with her and the facebook creeping began shortly after....but that's for another post.... The spark of hope made me realize that the reason I was insecure wasn't because I was a jealous person, it was because I was not with someone that shared any interests as me, any desires, or anything of the such. The few words spoken with SCY were enough to make my mouth dry and my palms sweat, this was so unexpected but exactly what I needed. Throughout the next 16 months I would experience so much growth, but this as well will be discussed in another post.
With a newfound acceptance of my confidence I changed my outlook on life and pursued happiness. Jealousy and insecurities were buried away and left behind and I had no intentions of looking back.
On the agenda for the next post....
I will continue explaining my journey from secure back to myself now(insecure). I will also eventually discuss my goals, my work frustrations, and my love life and all thoughts and concerns on the matter. It's going to take a while.
I just read this post and realized I jumped all around with my subject matter. All in all this is more so for me to vent rather than for anyone to read and analyze, but if anyone is unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog and continue reading...keep in mind that you are choosing to read my rants and unstable thought process.
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