The summer of 2008 started out with some of my most selfish times. All I cared about was my own satisfaction. I had dropped all major insecurities but I also fell into a state of depression. I was unhappy with who I had become and my lack of accomplishment in life. The hardest part was that I had no desire to overcome my low point. Instead, each day I focused on where I was going to party and how drunk I was going to get. This summer I went from a weight of approximately 195 pounds to a sickening 233 pounds. I gave up on personal growth and surrounded myself with immediate satisfaction. I met a lot of people this summer, guys and girls, and I treated everyone as if they were easily replaceable. I went on a few dates and had no actual desire to be around the girls, I would have them buy me drinks then I would leave without saying goodbye (not always, but this happened the majority of the time). I lost sight of my goals and in a nut shell...just stopped trying. I stayed this way all summer. I do remember the first time I realized how ridiculous I had become. I was "creeping" on facebook sometime in July and stumbled across SCY's page. I had always gone to her page before and checked out her photos and admired her beauty but I never had the courage to add her or even contact her. For whatever reason, this day was the day I wanted to make a move...So I sent SCY a friend request. Immediately after I sent the request I realized that everything I had done up to that point was destroying me. In my mind I thought "How can SCY ever find me attractive in this physical shape and why would she ever talk to me if I was always hammered?". This was the first girl that I had truly fallen infatuated with and the crazy part was that I had only spoken to her once. I didn't even know her and I was worried about what she thought about me...Needless to say, this inspired me to make a change.
SCY added me about a week later. At this point it was August and I had already made a few attempts at getting back into shape. I started running again and did my best to eat healthy. But my fitness was set aside the minute I accessed her page and found out that she was newly single. I was at work at the time and I "flipped a shit" to say the least. I yelled to my friend Barry to come over and we talked about how I could hang out with her. His girlfriend at the time was good friends with SCY and we went through every idea we could imagine for the two of us to be in the same room. A few days later I lucked out. Barry had invited me out to a house party in Norfolk for his girlfriend and some of her friends. I had lost about 5 pounds from running and was finally starting to feel good about myself again and was ready to go out and celebrate. As I walked into the party, I realized that I didn't know the majority of the crowd but I was able to find comfort in Barry and a few of our other friends. I grabbed a beer and snagged a spot on the couch with the boys and started chatting about nonsense when out of the corner of my eye I saw a blonde in a formfitting blue and white striped dress facing the DJ dancing....It was SCY. As I write this I vividly remember the feeling I had run through me. Every hair on my body stood up and a chill ran down my spine, a cold ball quickly grew in my stomach and my lower back started to sweat. My mind was racing with opportunity. I had dreamed of this girl for months, drooled over her facebook photos, and this was all new to me. I had never encountered a girl that I became so infatuated with..ever. I noticed that Bradley was standing near SCY so I took the opportunity to get closer. I told Bradley happy birthday and continued with some small talk in hopes that SCY would turn my way and give me an opening to work with....She did not. I don't even think she noticed me once. SCY walked into the kitchen and I made my way back to the couch with the boys. On my way I was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious girl that I had hung out with earlier in the summer, Claire (what a mistake that was).
sidenote, I met Claire at a party earlier in the year and she was a drunken mess just like I was. She came off extremely easy and in my low state of mind I decided she was a girl I'd talk to. We went to the movies once and encountered each other at a few parties but she was self important, annoying, and overall just not at all interesting. I stopped talking to Claire cold turkey and she apparently didn't take it very well.
Back to the story, Claire stopped me and she was clearly intoxicated. I don't recall everything that was said but I do remember that she called me an asshole for not talking to her anymore. The funny part is that when SKC came up, Claire made a point to say that she didn't care if I talked to her or not. I was extremely confused because I thought it was made clear that she and I never had anything and never would. I was obviously wrong. She turned to talk to SKC and i took this chance to get the fuck away! I started talking to Barry about how SCY didn't even notice me and how much I wanted to talk to her and as I was rambling he put his hand on my mouth and turned my head. SCY was right behind me looking for vodka to mix in her mountain dew. DING DING DING, I BROUGHT TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA FOR BRADLEY! I took the chance to reintroduce myself and tell SCY that I knew where she could find some liquor. She replied with "I know who you are, what's up with you and Claire". I felt like I had jumped into a pool of quicksand. I quickly replied with the same response I had given everyone, "There's nothing between Claire and I, we're just friends". SCY rolled her eyes and walked away. I was determined to overcome the Clare bullshit and walked into the kitchen behind her but I think she knew my game plan because she continued turning her head away from me and leaving any room I was in. About an hour later I was sitting on the couch with Barry and SCY came and sat between us. She asked if I was having fun and we continued with some small talk. Someone texted her as we were talking so she gave me her drink and reached down to her purse and put her left hand on my knee. I swear I didn't wash those jeans for a month after. She continued asking about Claire and I kept explaining the situation was never anything serious. Our conversation was interrupted by Miley Cyrus, SCY jumped up to dance with all of her girlfriends and I sat with Barry and told him how much I wanted her. The rest of the night wasn't very important. Barry drank too much and I carried him inside from the back deck after he threw up. SCY was bummed out because her ex wouldn't stop texting her and I couldn't get passed the stigma of Claire even though we never had anything. I said my goodbyes and I left.
With some more experience with SCY under my belt, I was feeling great. I knew I had some speed bumps ahead of me, but I was still full speed ready to go. I continued working out and focused on progressing at my job. I would try and fb chat with SCY a few times a week, she would rarely respond, but a few times we had some nice conversations. The following week I went to a party at Brian's house for Claire's birthday. I only went because I knew SCY was going to be there and this night went very well. I spent a good portion of the night sitting with SCY chatting about nonsense while she showed me photos on a camera and asked me how she looked and if I liked her shoes. I FUCKING LOVED HER SHOES! While we were talking she again put her hand on my knee...This time I think it was because she was drunk, but I didn't care. She smelled so nice and looked amazing. I was just so happy to be sitting with her involved in her night. (Looking back at this makes me feel like I was such a little wuss about all of it. I was so afraid to talk to her, so afraid to be rejected, but at the same time so excited to try). The rest of the night continued the same way, I spoke with SCY for a while and went home happy.
When I met SCY I had given up on being happy. I kept that thought process for a while but once I officially met her I saw hope. More hope than I had before. More excitement than i could ever imagine...and again, I barely knew her. I was looking to redefine myself and I saw SCY in my future.
Still remaining to discuss,
Depression
The Chase
Love
So much more
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