It's been 8 days and I've officially broken into a hysterical fit. My body is numb. My mind is numb. How can I ever expect to overcome this when I'm not even satisfied with who I am. Everyone keeps asking me if I've spoken to SCY and I have not. Everyone seems to care and I'm appreciative. But the constant reminder is pretty upsetting. I still don't know how she is feeling. I do know that I have been cut off and I am having a hard time staying afloat. This blog is not what I wanted it to be. I started this hoping I'd understand myself. I wanted to write from start to finish about SCY and I in hopes of figuring out how the fuck I allowed myself to screw up in July. I like that I'm writing again, but I don't know if these vent sessions are at all helpful. I want to understand. I want to know. What if I never find out? What if there was no underlying meaning to the mess other than I was drunk and misled. I can't blame the alcohol. I never do this. I never flirt. I never acknowledge girls. I never acknowledged that girl at all. I've become more and more angry thinking of this. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I want to find the solution. We are made for each other and I can not allow this to be the end. I will remain respectful and stay away. But I will never give up this search to find the cure, to mend these wounds, to be the man she deserves.
I truly despise myself.
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