It has almost been a week since SCY and I last spoke. These last five days have not been easy but I've surprisingly kept my composure throughout the days...the nights on the other hand have been extremely difficult. Most days have been occupied by work and hitting the gym. Thankfully I've been able to maintain my typical routine aside from having contact with SCY. When it comes to settling down and getting into bed I've had some difficulty relaxing and controlling my thoughts. I have not taken any photos down of SCY and I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I love seeing her but at the same time it's a constant reminder that I've fucked up and my mistake in july has become my definition to a large group of people that mean a lot to me. I am extremely confused and I still don't know what to do...
I really don't want to write anything right now but I have so much on my mind. I will continue my story on "the chase" here soon but I'm not ready to jump back on that road just yet.
Since SCY called me I have been deleted on facebook by every member of her family, hundreds of photos of me have been deleted, and she has untagged herself in almost every photo she and I were tagged in. To top it all off she backed out of Sarah B's wedding because I am also in the wedding (or at least that's the assumption) I'm worried about her. Her family has every right to not prefer me and discuss the situation with SCY, but realistically she is an adult and her wishes should also be respected. On the other hand, maybe this is all her decision and not her parents. Maybe when she confessed that we were involved again she decided it wasn't worth it. That's hard to swallow considering less than a week before we spoke about how we wanted to marry each other and grow old together with a family. I saved the text messages because I'm not ready to give up.
It really hurt seeing all of her family members delete me one by one. I don't know if SCY herself requested that everyone do it, or if her parents did. It only hurts because realistically if it was ever going to happen, it should've happened in July, not now. I'm still confused as to how we were so excited to see each other, to talk, to express our love for each other again, and in a matter of two days after SCY spoke to her mother, she decided that I could no longer be a part of her life. I want to talk to her, I want to ask so many questions, but I can't allow myself to do so. I will eventually...I don't know how yet, but I have to give it time. Whether it's her decision or not, she is pushing me away right now. Actually she is cutting me off and building mile high barriers around herself. But I must respect it. Despite the pain of being deleted from fb and photos, I must remain strong. I have an idea of what I will say but I want to make sure I am prepared as well. I do not want my emotions to get the best of me, if she decides to keep me out of her life forever, I want to make sure whatever I say is recognized as respectful, well thought out, and from the heart. It may take me another week, it may take me a year, I really don't know. What I do know is that I want to spend my life with SCY. I will forever face my fears and faults. I will stand tall for what I believe in and I believe SCY and i are meant to be.
I want to know what is going through her mind. I've had the hardest time getting sleep this last week. Falling asleep is difficult when I constantly think about what's going on, but it's also hard when I've woken up in tears every night since we last spoke. I want to know if she lays in bed like I do, thinking of her, thinking of the family I want to have with her, hoping that one day I will have the chance to kiss her again. Does she care? Is she hurting like I am? I certainly hope she is not in pain, but I do hope she is not satisfied with the situation we are in. I want to ask her what she asked me when we first saw each other again..."Are you happy?". I am not. I have cried, not nearly as much as I anticipated, but I also feel as if I haven't faced it yet. I am still numb to the thought of not talking to her anymore and of being out forever. I've felt it come on a few times but I've forced it away because I just can't lose it yet. It's inevitably going to happen, but I'm pushing it away. I just hope she's ok. I will accept pain for the rest of my life if it means she will be happy forever. I love her. I hope I can make it back into her life. I have a long road ahead of me. My first obstacle is believing in myself. My mistakes do not define me. I am a good person. I have a wonderful heart. I know it's true. I will not give up. I Love you SCY. It's 2:30 am and I still can't get your gorgeous face off my mind.
I have more to say, but I need a mental break from thinking. I will continue expressing my thoughts and emotions in future posts. I will eventually get back to my story line once I have my head straight. Come on Josh, Remember to breathe.
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