I wish I could be recognized as someone significant in this world.  I've lost track of a lot of goals and who I am as in individual.  I need to step up my game.

I've been really bothered by something lately...

My nephew, Colt, has been my light at the end of the tunnel since SCY and I broke up.  Each morning when I walk downstairs I can count on him not judging me and being extremely happy to see me.  Lately this has not been the case though.  Colt has hit a stage where he is becoming slightly stubborn and borderline mean in some of his actions.  After walking downstairs now I am not greeted with a big hug, instead he ignores me or tells me he doesn't like me.  It breaks my heart every time he does it.  I truly can not blame him..he's only 2 and I'm also not worth his time.  But I think the biggest issue i'm having is that I'm realizing more and more that I am the only one that can get through this.  I can not rely on anyone but myself.  Even as innocent as enjoying being around Colt...It's not his obligation to be here for me.  Here I stand alone, miles away from my desired destination.  Which foot should I move first?  Which direction is forward?  In all reality, any direction can be forward...But what leads to happiness?  How can I find the comfort I once had?  I am hopeful.  "Fate will only get you so far, the rest is up to you".  The quote is so true.  Fate brought us back together.   The rest is up to us to live and find our way back to our world.  This is difficult, but I must keep going.

I've changed so much in these last few months.  From my work ethic to my punctuality, so many things that held a strong stance in my being are so different.

I'm ready for death.  I don't have the energy to continue this fight.  I hope something drastic happens.

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.  We have no scar to show for happiness.  We learn so little from peace."

- Chuck Palahniuk

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was SCY's birthday.  I hope it was an amazing day for her.  She deserves nothing but the best.  I wish things were different and I still had an invitation to join.  Either way, I hope it was great.

I've been preparing myself for this day for quite some time.  I thought I would make it through with no issues but I was wrong.  Since SCY asked me not to contact her I've made no attempts to call, text, fb, email, anything.  I decided that her birthday was the one worthy exception to break the ice and just say "Happy Birthday".  I was out with a few friends when midnight came and I sent the text.  I was actually really excited to do this, I kept my cool and left the message very basic....Unfortunately she won't ever see the message though.  As I sent the text it returned saying "invalid destination"...Translation - My number has been blocked.  Everyone around me read my face and they knew something was wrong.  They left it alone for me to handle and I am thankful for that.  It's been almost two months since SCY asked me to never contact her again.  I've been completely respectful of her wishes.  I keep wondering when I was blocked.  was it immediately after the phone call?  Recently?  Does she even know that I made no attempt until her birthday?  This was/is hard for me to handle.  I feel like I'm being treated as a criminal and I don't think that's fair.  I want to say something, my first thought was to borrow Taj's phone and call..But what good will that do?  I thought about emailing her, but again, will she even read it?  or has she already added my email address to her spam folder?  There are so many unknowns in front of me and I don't have the heart or strength to make a decision about this.  I know she is moving to DC soon, I'd like to see her before she leaves.  I'm still worried that she'll feel cornered, so I need to figure out a way that shows that I mean no harm or offense.  I've written the list, it will never be completed, but it's been worked on.  I know what I want to say in person.  I've even thought about telling her the link to this website incase she wants to know anything about me as she's living her life.  I'm still unsure as to what I will do.  I'm hurting and I have a lot to consider.  Ultimately with whatever I do, my main focus needs to stay on myself.  Not to be selfish, just to be safe.  I truly don't feel that SCY means me any harm either, but given the circumstances, I can see myself getting hurt easily.

I truly hope your birthday was great.  I will never forget the look on your face when I surprised you with McKendree last year.  You were so angry with me for keeping you awake but I was so excited to see you smile.  I never meant to hurt you and I would give my life to prove that.  I've only wanted you and although I am focusing on me for a while, I will never stop wanting you or loving you.  Happy Birthday to you SCY.  I still dream of your kisses.

The only answer is that there is no answer

I'm already 15 minutes late for a workout so I don't have much time to write but I'm at least going to start this one...

A few friends pulled me out and sat me down last night to talk about life and their concerns for me.  It's clear that I've been out of it but apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and they expressed their worries for my health...
At first I was slightly offended and hurt by the discussion but quickly accepted that my friends care and it's clear to everyone that I am a train wreck.  I haven't been living.  I am holding on to the idea of what we had rather than accepting what I'm being offered...which is nothing.  It's going to take me a long time to even slightly understand why we are not together, or to even understand that I have to let go,  but for now, it's the safest and smartest thing for me to do.  In no way am I finished, In no way am I giving up, but for now I need to focus.  I need time to heal, to grow, and to live.  Not a day has passed that I have not missed you. This will not change.  I am in love with you SCY, but with the circumstances given, I must pull myself away from the constant analyzing and questioning I've been doing.  I am not ok with this decision, but I have no other choice.  As an adult, I need to get through this so that I can hopefully be happy one day.

I owe a lot to my friends.  They have pulled me up when I've been down more times than I can even count.  In the past I considered a friend someone that would stand by me in a fight, "get my back", but now it's different.  I no longer want to be on the offense.  I don't even want to be on the defense, I just want to live freely.  But my point in the matter is that a true friend is the one that picks you up and pats you on the back when you are laying on the floor of a bar bathroom in tears telling you "we're here for you, it's going to be ok".  I will forever be indebted to the few that stand by me in life and all obstacles.  I  hope that I can stay strong and repay them in their times of need.

Shattered Deadlift PR!

425 pound Deadlift!

    I've set two new PR's in the last two days.  Shown above is my new max Deadlift  at 425 pounds.  My previous max was 390 pounds and although I'm excited for my new max, I'd like to say the extra 35 pounds I lifted yesterday were not easy.  In the video it shows that my form was not very good.  Your back is supposed to be straight and tight when "deadlifting" and as it shows mine was heavily arched immediately.  I definitely have some work to do but none the less, I still lifted it.  I'm hoping that within the next few weeks I can perfect my technique and form in hopes of breaking this record sooner rather than later.  

On Friday I was instructed to find my one rep max for "Front Squats" and I surprisingly lifted 265 pounds.  My previous max for this lift was only 205 so I was shocked I lifted so much more with very little trouble.  I'm getting stronger and I love it.  I'm consistently competing with Jesse in our workouts and even beating him in a few.  Thank god for crossfit, without it I may be in a ditch dead.

Today is Mothers Day and unfortunately my family isn't doing anything.  I was hoping we would go to dinner or at least hang out together.  The two cards I picked up for my Mom are sitting on the table unnoticed.  It's discouraging, but it's her day not mine I suppose.  I feel that I'm rambling on here.  I still have a lot to say but after losing it last week I inadvertently built a wall around my mind and heart and haven't allowed myself back in...I don't know if that makes any sense....I think I get it.

SCY's birthday is in exactly one week.  I'm not missing her any less but I almost wish I could.  I need at least one day with my mind and heart at ease.  I hope she's thinking about me, but I also truly hope she's not feeling as empty as I am right now.  My heart is telling me not to give up.  I've chased her before and I will continue to do so.  I know we will be together when the time is right.  Fate brought us back together in January, the rest is up to us.  "I" have a lot of obstacles to overcome before "we" can be.  I will not give up on this love.  I am becoming physically stronger and my mind will soon follow.  Hope will keep pushing me.

Drive by encounter

Today has not been easy on my stomach.

I woke up and hit the gym and felt great.  I'm starting to become more competitive with Jesse in Crossfit and it feels great.  After my workout I got cleaned up and went to lunch and ran a few errands.   After I finished my errands I went to the bank on greatneck since it was the closest.  On my way I saw SCY driving.  I couldn't help but stare at her.  It was so quick that I'm not sure if she even saw me, but I broke into a sweat immediately.  It was not a good feeling.  I went home shortly after.

I came home and went to my room to relax.  Colt climbed the stairs and came looking for me.  I didn't even see how adorable this was until later because it freaked me out.  We sat on my bed and he looked around my room being a nosey little bugger.  He saw a picture of Sarah and me and said "Uncle Josh she's pretty".   I cried.  He turned and asked why I was sad and hugged me.  Thank god he doesn't judge me for my mistakes.  I brought Colt downstairs and left to go talk to Jay at the gym....  On my way home I pulled up a car behind SCY.  I have been avoiding driving in the area on wednesdays for a while but I thought she had finished classes...I was wrong.  A pit grew in my throat and stomach, I felt close to vomiting and I couldn't move.  I did my best to keep my distance and not pull any closer because I honestly don't know what I would've done if our eyes caught.  I worried that she would speed off and avoid looking at me and I couldn't face that so I just stayed behind.  She pulled onto London Bridge I kept going straight and as I passed I saw her face look my way.  I'm not sure if she recognized my car at the glance or if she was just looking in the direction on accident, but I balled my eyes out.  I miss her.  I've had zero contact in over a month.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.  Seeing her today ripped my heart to pieces.  I'm more lost now than I was before.  I want to contact her but I'm worried I'll be rejected.  I don't know if I can handle that.  I need to figure this out.  Her birthday is right around the corner and I don't think I can completely ignore it.  I'm really having a hard time with this.  Hopefully in the next few days I'll come to some decisions and also learn to cope with my heartache.  I am in love and I cannot ignore my feelings.
"Fate will only get me so far, the rest is up to me"

Simple explanations for such an intricate love

Since the day SCY found out I was infatuated with her, she's always asked "why?"  I've always said that I would compile a list of the reasons why I love her and what I love about her and in the past I have started many small lists, but i've never completed them.  I don't think i'll ever be able to fully complete this list, but I'm going to list a handful of reasons why I am madly in love with Miss SCY.  Unfortunately this list will remain only viewable to me as nobody knows about my blog.  Maybe one day I'll grow the courage to make contact with her again.
Here we go....

- I love your barbie hands.  They are so soft and picture perfect.  I love holding them and I love to look at them.
- I love your finger exercises.  Especially when you make the noise with your mouth.  I've thought about this every day since you first showed me.
- I love the way you touch my cheeks, my neck. or my hair.
- I love how perfectly your hand fits into mine.
- I love how perfectly our bodies fit together in bed, when we dance, when we make love, when we hold each other.
- I love your hair.  You have the softest hair that i've ever touched.  Even when you are outside doing your family duties in the heat, your hair still smells good, it's still soft, and you still look sexy.
- I love that I can feel your body release and relax when I kiss you on the forehead.  It's almost as if that's your "comfort" button.
- (this one might be weird)  I love the way the front of your head smells when I kiss it.  I don't know what it is, it's just you.  It feels like home to me.
- I love that you'll kiss my neck
- I love that you'll kiss/lick my ear.
- I love that you bite my lip at the exact time I want you to.
- I love  your lips.  They are soft, so giving, so strong, and so sensual.  Kissing you is more than just a kiss.  Your heart touches my heart when our lips touch.
- I love when you kiss my stars.
- I love how accomplished and proud you feel about having a well manicured lawn.  You are such a strong woman and I love your desire for perfection in the areas you care about.
- I love that you are a "tough cookie".
- I love that you work so hard in everything you do.  (your family, school, yard work, with me)
- I love that you and your mom take breaks during yard work.  I can't begin to express how many times I smiled turning the corner around your fence seeing you and your mom sitting at the table chatting and relaxing.  It's perfect to me.
- I love your smile.  Your smile is one of a kind.  It's from the heart.  It's strong, it's brave, it tells a story.
- I love your golden tan.
- I love how you look in a bikini.
- I love how you look in sofies.
- I love that you can wear vans and sandals, but also wear heels and boots.  You have such a clean and classy look.
- I love your little blue boots.  Don't ever get rid of them.
- I love your red heels and red boots.  You will forever be my blond dorothy.
- I love how you look in a dress.
- I love your legs.  They are so sexy and look amazing in heels and a dress.
- I love your calves.  One of my favorite things to do was to rub your calves down to your feet.
- I love your feet.  Your feet are strong and prove that you work hard, but they are still so cute, little, and adorable.
- I love that you let me crack your toes.
- I love when you drag your keys.  (I just started crying as I typed this)  I looked forward to this every time I dropped you off.  It was just as good as a goodnight kiss.

Picture has been deleted.

I took a picture..  Maybe one day you'll see this.  Maybe not...

- I love how comfortable you make me feel.
- I love that even no matter what I wear, or how goofy I may be, I always felt that you loved me more and more.
- I love that you were strong enough to tell me you loved me before I did.  I was so afraid to scare you away, but you were stronger than me.
- I love the book you made me for Valentines day.
- I love the connection we had at Coldplay.  I felt like they were playing for just us.  I'll never forget the look in your eyes.  I'm so glad i could share your first concert with you.
- I love that every song reminds me of you.
- I love how much music means to you.
- I always bitched about you surfing through songs, but I miss it so much now.   Driving isn't the same without it.
- I love that you named your car Rhonda.
- I love the voice you make when you say Rhonda.
- I love how hard you hug me.
- I love how hard you kiss me.
- I love that you would bite my beard.
- I love that you read.  Every time I see a book or a library I will forever think of you.
- I love our lovely love story day in DC.
- I love the way you would nuzzle into me in bed.
- I love that I've always felt wanted by you.
- I love every aspect of making love to you.
- I loved the way you welcomed me home from Scotland before we were dating.  I will never forget that kiss.
- I loved how easy it is to dip you and kiss you.
- I love that you remembered that I wanted to go to a basketball game....and you surprised me for my birthday.
- I love that you baked me a heart shaped cake with candy on top of it.
- I love you
- I love that I can talk to you for hours.  I can talk to you about anything.  I always enjoy it.  I never want to stop.
- I love that you never gave in to my "ego".
- I love that it's always been me chasing you.  Always.  You always have me on my toes wanting more of you.
- I love how sexy our first kiss was.  I dream of it often.
- I love our first kiss after you came back from spring break.  (outside your car in the rain)
- I love that your my navigator on roadtrips and we always get lost.  But I'd rather get lost with you than make it somewhere without you.
- I love that you ask me to review your papers for school.
- i love that you kept me informed during the world series at the beach house.
- I love how much you make me smile.
- You make me feel like my laugh is special.
- You make me feel strong.
- You make me want to be a better person.
- You make me want to be vulnerable, to be open, to show my fears.
- You are my strength.
- I love that you sing in the car.
- i love that you're girly.
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you'll two-step with your fingers when I listen to heavy music.
- I love that you've been willing to even listen to that music.
- I love that your a card player.
- I love that you support your family so much.
- I love that you watched Rambo with me.
- I love that you were willing to go out of your comfort zone and try to snowboard with me.
- I love that you broadened my horizons with food.
- I STILL HATE SHRIMP!!! But I keep trying it because of you.
- I love that you got me into sushi.  Every roll makes me miss you.
- I love that you tried to be to work and school on time because you knew I liked to be early.  That meant so much to me.
- I love that you included me in so much of your life and family.
- I love that you pinch my butt.
- I love that you packed me lunch for work.
- I love that your dogs love me.
- I love that my dogs love you (they don't love anyone)
- I love that my dad told me the first day he met you that you were "the one".  My heart still melts thinking of that.
- I am in love with your eyes.  You have the purest eyes I've ever encountered.  They are so bright and so full of life.
- I love that you say "monies"
- I love calling you my sugar momma
- I love that you always feed me.
- I love your omelets, they are the best.
- I love that you can talk to me.
- I love that we went peach picking.  I still want to go apple picking.
- I love your parents.
- I love that you see something in me.
- I love that you have faith in me and believe in me.
- I love that you want to get into photography.  I've often thought about setting up classes for you.
- I love that you remind me of my mother in so many ways.
- I love that you have TV shows that you watch with your family.
- I love that you know everything there is to know about Harry Potter.
- I love late night cooking with you in our underwear.
- I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
- I love that you were comfortable with me hanging out with your dad when you were out of town.
- I love how much you enjoy being outside.
- I love our New Years Kiss.
- I love how much you love zippers on your purse and shoes.
- I love that we made love to Imogen Heap.
- I love that you let me use your pink cammo toothbrush over spring break.
- I love that you wanted to see me so badly that you had me sneak into your house by hopping your fence.
- I love when you eat beef stick and cheese.
- I love how excited you get over goat cheese.
- I love your jeanie pants.
- I love that you wipe my tears away when I cry
- I love the way you do your make up.  It's so simple and sexy.
- I love that you love avocados
- I love that you paint your nails.
- I love that you are willing to clean your toothpaste container and squeeze from the end for me.
- I love that you sleep in my t-shirts and sweater.
- I love that when we wake up together, you always welcome me with a kiss.
- I love that I know you'll be an amazing mother and wife.
- I love that I can never ever get you off my mind.

- What I love most of all about you....is that when I think of my life 40 years from now, I still see you swinging next to me on the porch.

New Deadlift PR

I have yet to take advantage of this blog.  My mind is filled with thoughts, concerns, and many other things.  Just to stay in touch with the site I'm going to write about my last few workout accomplishments.  Last week I posted about my new PR for back squats and front squats.  This week I've achieved three new PR's!
Yesterday Jesse and I went for a 4 mile trail run at Seashore State Park.  The scenery was amazing....the run sucked.  I made the mistake of slamming shots the night before with a few friends and running in 85 degree weather with a hangover does not bode well.  Fortunately I made it through and actually ran fairly well.  After the run we went back to Jesses' to meet with Sean and Chris as they were trying to do a separate workout.  Crossfit.com called for a max Deadlift workout which I had never done before so despite running 4 miles in the heat, I decided to partake in the event.  Chris started the lift and found his max lift to be 300 pounds.  Just before Sean started, I drove to my house to grab more weights so we could push ourselves to our limits.  Sean achieved a new PR at 350 pounds!!!   I was extremely excited for the both of them but became very nervous before I started.  I'd only done deadlift maybe 4 times before this workout and I was worried I'd either not pull much weight or I'd hurt myself.  As I began lifting I found that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for.  I achieved a new PR of 390 pounds!  I am thrilled to say that the only reason I stopped at 390 is that we RAN OUT OF WEIGHTS!  Every weight in Jesses' garage was on the bar as I Deadlifted it.

390 Pound Deadlift!!!!

Today we focused on two olympic lifts; the Power Snatch and the Split Jerk BTH.  This was the second time I've done the power snatch so again I was nervous but came to realize that it wasn't as hard as I anticipated.  I power snatched 135 pounds to set my current max.  I am confident that I'll surpass this weight in a short period of time but I have a lot of work to do on my form and technique for this lift.  The Split Jerk BTH on the other hand went very well.  My previous PR for this exercise was 135 pounds and I was able to push 195 pounds today!  I failed on my first attempt but forced my way through it on the second.  

Working out seems to be the only thing keeping me sane lately.  I've been spending so much time running or lifting that I've managed to keep my mind occupied as well.  Hopefully I can continue this.....forever.  I do not want to think anymore.  I don't want to feel anymore.  I just want to feel good about myself and my life again.  Hopefully one day I will figure out how I messed up so badly.  I have earned the position I'm in.  I have to earn the right to get out.  One day at a time.....  

I will achieve my goals.  

You are my goal.

"You are the anchor that holds me"  

Crossfit

285 Pound Back Squat!!!

I've been doing my very best to stay busy lately and so far my best option is the gym.  Last week we did "Elizabeth", "Diane", and "Fran" to prepare for the Metro Dash.  I have a new PR for Fran with a time of 8:42.  I was pretty excited about this because I was also extremely hung over from drinking with John the night before.
Team "Dropkick Burpees" is my running/workout team.  It consists of myself, Sean, Jesse, and Chris.  We competed in the Metro Dash on Sunday and placed 9th overall out of 250-300 teams.  We hoped to do better, but overall I am very pleased with our performance.  Today for our workout Jesse and I worked on max Back squats and hand stand push ups.  I hit a new PR for back squats with 285 pounds.  The photo above was taken as I was pushing up.  The 2nd portion of our workout was "Grace".... 30 reps of 135 pound clean and jerks for time.  Tonight must've been my night because I again hit a new PR here with a time of 5:40.
I'm miserable, I can't keep SCY off my mind, but I will never achieve my goals if I don't do my best to better myself and live "my" life.  I'm really enjoying all the time i'm putting into working out.  This is a hobby I don't every want to let go of.  I am focused.

Ramble and Rumble

I want to contact SCY.  I'm worried that she is going to move to DC without contacting me or her other friends that seem to have been pushed away.  I can't help but analyze every minute of every day and it seems as if she has blocked out anyone that might influence her to contact me.

I have so much to say but I have no strength to face this pain.  I'm losing the drive that's kept me going this whole time.  My heart hurts and today is just a bad day.  Life just isn't as sweet.

One week

It's been 8 days and I've officially broken into a hysterical fit.  My body is numb.  My mind is numb.  How can I ever expect to overcome this when I'm not even satisfied with who I am.  Everyone keeps asking me if I've spoken to SCY and I have not.  Everyone seems to care and I'm appreciative.  But the constant reminder is pretty upsetting.  I still don't know how she is feeling.  I do know that I have been cut off and I am having a hard time staying afloat.  This blog is not what I wanted it to be.  I started this hoping I'd understand myself.  I wanted to write from start to finish about SCY and I in hopes of figuring out how the fuck I allowed myself to screw up in July.  I like that I'm writing again, but I don't know if these vent sessions are at all helpful.  I want to understand.  I want to know.  What if I never find out?  What if there was no underlying meaning to the mess other than I was drunk and misled.  I can't blame the alcohol.  I never do this.  I never flirt.  I never acknowledge girls.  I never acknowledged that girl at all.  I've become more and more angry thinking of this.  I'm frustrated.  I'm hurting.  I want to find the solution.  We are made for each other and I can not allow this to be the end.  I will remain respectful and stay away.  But I will never give up this search to find the cure, to mend these wounds, to be the man she deserves.

I truly despise myself.

The Song that gives me hope

Just Like Heaven-


"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face I kissed her neck
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Oh, won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

A step towards understanding, a leap towards acceptance.

It has almost been a week since SCY and I last spoke.  These last five days have not been easy but I've surprisingly kept my composure throughout the days...the nights on the other hand have been extremely difficult.  Most days have been occupied by work and hitting the gym.  Thankfully I've been able to maintain my typical routine aside from having contact with SCY.  When it comes to settling down and getting into bed I've had some difficulty relaxing and controlling my thoughts.  I have not taken any photos down of SCY and I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not.  I love seeing her but at the same time it's a constant reminder that I've fucked up and my mistake in july has become my definition to a large group of people that mean a lot to me.  I am extremely confused and I still don't know what to do...

I really don't want to write anything right now but I have so much on my mind.  I will continue my story on "the chase" here soon but I'm not ready to jump back on that road just yet.

Since SCY called me I have been deleted on facebook by every member of her family, hundreds of photos of me have been deleted, and she has untagged herself in almost every photo she and I were tagged in.  To top it all off she backed out of Sarah B's wedding because I am also in the wedding (or at least that's the assumption)  I'm worried about her.  Her family has every right to not prefer me and discuss the situation with SCY, but realistically she is an adult and her wishes should also be respected.  On the other hand, maybe this is all her decision and not her parents.  Maybe when she confessed that we were involved again she decided it wasn't worth it.  That's hard to swallow considering less than a week before we spoke about how we  wanted to marry each other and grow old together with a family.  I saved the text messages because I'm not ready to give up.
It really hurt seeing all of her family members delete me one by one.  I don't know if SCY herself requested that everyone do it, or if her parents did.  It only hurts because realistically if it was ever going to happen, it should've happened in July, not now.  I'm still confused as to how we were so excited to see each other, to talk, to express our love for each other again, and in a matter of two days after SCY spoke to her mother, she decided that I could no longer be a part of her life.  I want to talk to her, I want to ask so many questions, but I can't allow myself to do so.  I will eventually...I don't know how yet, but I have to give it time.  Whether it's her decision or not, she is pushing me away right now.  Actually she is cutting me off and building mile high barriers around herself.  But I must respect it.  Despite the pain of being deleted from fb and photos, I must remain strong.  I have an idea of what I will say but I want to make sure I am prepared as well.  I do not want my emotions to get the best of me, if she decides to keep me out of her life forever, I want to make sure whatever I say is recognized as respectful, well thought out, and from the heart.  It may take me another week, it may take me a year, I really don't know.  What I do know is that I want to spend my life with SCY.  I will forever face my fears and faults.  I will stand tall for what I believe in and I believe SCY and i are meant to be.
I want to know what is going through her mind.  I've had the hardest time getting sleep this last week.  Falling asleep is difficult when I constantly think about what's going on, but it's also hard when I've woken up in tears every night since we last spoke.  I want to know if she lays in bed like I do, thinking of her, thinking of the family I want to have with her, hoping that one day I will have the chance to kiss her again.  Does she care?  Is she hurting like I am?  I certainly hope she is not in pain, but I do hope she is not satisfied with the situation we are in.  I want to ask her what she asked me when we first saw each other again..."Are you happy?".  I am not.  I have cried, not nearly as much as I anticipated, but I also feel as if I haven't faced it yet.  I am still numb to the thought of not talking to her anymore and of being out forever.  I've felt it come on a few times but I've forced it away because I just can't lose it yet.  It's inevitably going to happen, but I'm pushing it away.  I just hope she's ok.  I will accept pain for the rest of my life if it means she will be happy forever.  I love her.  I hope I can make it back into her life.  I have a long road ahead of me.  My first obstacle is believing in myself.  My mistakes do not define me.  I am a good person.  I have a wonderful heart.  I know it's true.  I will not give up.  I Love you SCY.  It's 2:30 am and I still can't get your gorgeous face off my mind.

I have more to say, but I need a mental break from thinking.  I will continue expressing my thoughts and emotions in future posts.  I will eventually get back to my story line once I have my head straight.  Come on Josh, Remember to breathe.

Heartbroken

SCY called me this afternoon at 2:17pm and told me that we were over forever.

Today has been rough to say the least.  I really have nothing to write at this moment.  Actually I have a lot to write, but right now I'm stable and I don't know if I can handle any hysterical moments again.  I am in love with a woman that will never have the support of her family if she is with me.  This hurts more than I can say....  I wish I weren't here.  I'm having some serious thoughts about saving everyone anymore heartache.  It seems obvious that all I do is cause harm.  My hands are shaking as I type.  I don't want to hurt anymore but I can not allow myself to hurt the few that care about me.  I'm miserable.  I love you SCY

Another sleepless night. More pain and regret

I am going to take a break from the story for a bit to release some feelings....


I am in pain.  I am always in pain.  While i've been writing these few posts I'm having difficulty focusing because I have so many memories, thoughts, and opinions going through my mind.  Revisiting some of these memories is bitter sweet.  Thinking of how low I was makes me feel as if I will make it out of the position I'm in.  But on the other hand, thinking of the hope I once had and thinking ahead to the great times I'm going to write about is leaving me in doubt.  Not of myself, not of us, but of the situation and the outside influence.  I am in love and I have put myself in a position that leaves me hanging by my fingertips.  I am dangling in front of a library full of romance and love stories and my library card is outdated.  I've contemplated pulling out completely in order to cause you less pain, but I don't think that would actually solve anything.  We would both hurt more.  I can not give up.  I will not give up.  I will never stop my pursuit to obtain the love and comfort we share.  You will always have my heart.  Even if I am no longer welcome in your families presence, I will never give up and i will always try.  I love you...I don't want to hurt anymore.

From depression to The Chase

The summer of 2008 started out with some of my most selfish times.  All I cared about was my own satisfaction.  I had dropped all major insecurities but I also fell into a state of depression.  I was unhappy with who I had become and my lack of accomplishment in life.  The hardest part was that I had no desire to overcome my low point.  Instead, each day I focused on where I was going to party and how drunk I was going to get.  This summer I went from a weight of approximately 195 pounds to a sickening 233 pounds.  I gave up on personal growth and surrounded myself with immediate satisfaction.  I met a lot of people this summer, guys and girls, and I treated everyone as if they were easily replaceable.  I went on a few dates and had no actual desire to be around the girls, I would have them buy me drinks then I would leave without saying goodbye (not always, but this happened the majority of the time).  I lost sight of my goals and in a nut shell...just stopped trying.  I stayed this way all summer.  I do remember the first time I realized how ridiculous I had become.  I was "creeping" on facebook sometime in July and stumbled across SCY's page.  I had always gone to her page before and checked out her photos and admired her beauty but I never had the courage to add her or even contact her.  For whatever reason, this day was the day I wanted to make a move...So I sent SCY a friend request.  Immediately after I sent the request I realized that everything I had done up to that point was destroying me.  In my mind I thought "How can SCY ever find me attractive in this physical shape and why would she ever talk to me if I was always hammered?".  This was the first girl that I had truly fallen infatuated with and the crazy part was that I had only spoken to her once.  I didn't even know her and I was worried about what she thought about me...Needless to say, this inspired me to make a change.
SCY added me about a week later.  At this point it was August and I had already made a few attempts at getting back into shape.  I started running again and did my best to eat healthy.  But my fitness was set aside the minute I accessed her page and found out that she was newly single.  I was at work at the time and I "flipped a shit" to say the least.  I yelled to my friend Barry to come over and we talked about how I could hang out with her.  His girlfriend at the time was good friends with SCY and we went through every idea we could imagine for the two of us to be in the same room.  A few days later I lucked out.  Barry had invited me out to a house party in Norfolk for his girlfriend and some of her friends.  I had lost about 5 pounds from running and was finally starting to feel good about myself again and was ready to go out and celebrate.  As I walked into the party, I realized that I didn't know the majority of the crowd but I was able to find comfort in Barry and a few of our other friends.  I grabbed a beer and snagged a spot on the couch with the boys and started chatting about nonsense when out of the corner of my eye I saw a blonde in a formfitting blue and white striped dress facing the DJ dancing....It was SCY.  As I write this I vividly remember the feeling I had run through me.  Every hair on my body stood up and a chill ran down my spine, a cold ball quickly grew in my stomach and my lower back started to sweat.  My mind was racing with opportunity.  I had dreamed of this girl for months, drooled over her facebook photos, and this was all new to me.  I had never encountered a girl that I became so infatuated with..ever.   I noticed that Bradley was standing near SCY so I took the opportunity to get closer.  I told Bradley happy birthday and continued with some small talk in hopes that SCY would turn my way and give me an opening to work with....She did not.  I don't even think she noticed me once.  SCY walked into the kitchen and I made my way back to the couch with the boys.  On my way I was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious girl that I had hung out with earlier in the summer, Claire (what a mistake that was).

sidenote, I met Claire at a party earlier in the year and she was a drunken mess just like I was.  She came off extremely easy and in my low state of mind I decided she was a girl I'd talk to.  We went to the movies once and encountered each other at a few parties but she was self important, annoying, and overall just not at all interesting.  I stopped talking to Claire cold turkey and she apparently didn't take it very well.

Back to the story, Claire stopped me and she was clearly intoxicated.  I don't recall everything that was said but I do remember that she called me an asshole for not talking to her anymore.  The funny part is that when SKC came up, Claire made a point to say that she didn't care if I talked to her or not.  I was extremely confused because I thought it was made clear that she and I never had anything and never would.  I was obviously wrong.  She turned to talk to SKC and i took this chance to get the fuck away!  I started talking to Barry about how SCY didn't even notice me and how much I wanted to talk to her and as I was rambling he put his hand on my mouth and turned my head.  SCY was right behind me looking for vodka to mix in her mountain dew.  DING DING DING, I BROUGHT TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA FOR BRADLEY!  I took the chance to reintroduce myself and tell SCY that I knew where she could find some liquor.  She replied with "I know who you are, what's up with you and Claire".  I felt like I had jumped into a pool of quicksand.  I quickly replied with the same response I had given everyone, "There's nothing between Claire and I, we're just friends".  SCY rolled her eyes and walked away.  I was determined to overcome the Clare bullshit and walked into the kitchen behind her but I think she knew my game plan because she continued turning her head away from me and leaving any room I was in.  About an hour later I was sitting on the couch with Barry and SCY came and sat between us.  She asked if I was having fun and we continued with some small talk.  Someone texted her as we were talking so she gave me her drink and reached down to her purse and put her left hand on my knee.  I swear I didn't wash those jeans for a month after.  She continued asking about Claire and I kept explaining the situation was never anything serious.  Our conversation was interrupted by Miley Cyrus, SCY jumped up to dance with all of her girlfriends and I sat with Barry and told him how much I wanted her.  The rest of the night wasn't very important.  Barry drank too much and I carried him inside from the back deck after he threw up.  SCY was bummed out because her ex wouldn't stop texting her and I couldn't get passed the stigma of Claire even though we never had anything.  I said my goodbyes and I left.
With some more experience with SCY under my belt, I was feeling great.  I knew I had some speed bumps ahead of me, but I was still full speed ready to go.  I continued working out and focused on progressing at my job.  I would try and fb chat with SCY a few times a week, she would rarely respond, but a few times we had some nice conversations.  The following week I went to a party at Brian's house for Claire's birthday.  I only went because I knew SCY was going to be there and this night went very well.  I spent a good portion of the night sitting with SCY chatting about nonsense while she showed me photos on a camera and asked me how she looked and if I liked her shoes.  I FUCKING LOVED HER SHOES!  While we were talking she again put her hand on my knee...This time I think it was because she was drunk, but I didn't care.  She smelled so nice and looked amazing.  I was just so happy to be sitting with her involved in her night.  (Looking back at this makes me feel like I was such a little wuss about all of it.  I was so afraid to talk to her, so afraid to be rejected, but at the same time so excited to try).  The rest of the night continued the same way, I spoke with SCY for a while and went home happy.

When I met SCY I had given up on being happy.  I kept that thought process for a while but once I officially met her I saw hope.  More hope than I had before.  More excitement than i could ever imagine...and again, I barely knew her.  I was looking to redefine myself and I saw SCY in my future.


Still remaining to discuss,
Depression
The Chase
Love
So much more

Image and Insecurities.

For as long as I can remember I've always displayed an enormous amount of confidence in myself and everything I do.  I can't even fathom the number of people that have told me I'm "too much" or "too cocky".  I respect anyone that is confident (for good reason) and I guess I've always expected the same with everyone.  After years of repetition, these accusations made me want to evaluate my personality.  I've always tried to be self aware but these last 8 months have proven to be more eye opening and humbling than the last 24+ years of my life.  I've recently realized that in the past when I thought I was evaluating myself I was barely going through the motions.  I think the best way to describe my new understanding is that I'm finally accepting adulthood.  Not just taking on more responsibility, but understanding embarrassment, respect, and trust in more ways than I have before.

"I look good"
"I'm awesome"

These are common phrases in my everyday vocabulary.  In all reality I don't think I'm very attractive nor do I think I'm very cool.  While I do enjoy the shock and awe effect when conversing, these statements have no substance behind them.  My confidence does not come from my appearance or how I party (I'm typically a wallflower at parties anyway), it comes from my heart.  My heart is both my biggest strength and weakness in my world.  But I live by my heart, and that is the soul supplier of my confidence.

Let me explain...
I am in love with a wonderful woman.  Unfortunately we are not together due to my actions, but I am completely infatuated with her.  She is my angel.  While we were dating, I lived every day to be by her side, to support her, to love her and make her feel wanted.  If she was ever in need, I would jump at the chance to help her.  Even today, I would give my life if it meant she would have the chance to live the life of her dreams.  I will love her until I take my last breath.

My family has dealt with so much.  My parents didn't have very much money when I was growing up but they did their best to make sure my sister and I were happy and loved every day.  Because of this I always express my love for my parents and sister.  I love being around them, i love helping them and making jokes.  My father lost his job a few years ago and I moved back home and helped out as much as I could financially until they got back on their feet.  I ended up living paycheck to paycheck but we still had each other and that's all that matters.

My friends have kept me alive these last 8 months.  Going from the highest point in my life to the lowest of all lows, they ensured that I held on to any and all hope that I had in my heart to be happy.  For this (and so much more) I am forever grateful.  I've always supported my friends and expressed my care for them.  Because of this, I'm the one they call when they are hurting or need to talk.  Ian has loaded a gun, gone to a roof top to dive onto concrete, and cut himself all on multiple occasions. I was there to kick in his door and grab the shotgun, to throw my body in front of his when he was trying to jump off the roof, to take the blade away when he had lost all hope.  My point isn't to bring him down or bring myself up, but to show that no matter what the occasion, my heart will always be here for love and support of the ones that matter to me.  I'm not cocky because I think I'm the greatest, I'm confident because I have the heart that wants to make a difference in this world and I've shared that with these few people.

It's a great feeling to finally understand a portion of my mind that I never was able to before,  but on the other hand, I've grown a lot of insecurities as well.  When I was younger I would be jealous of guys when I had a girlfriend but that was....probably ten years ago.  I had some bad experiences but i grew passed them.  I dated a girl for just under four years after I graduated high school.  The relationship started off great but quickly went downhill.  She and I had nothing in common and I found myself changing to be who she and her family wanted me to be rather than growing and accepting myself for who I was.  The relationship officially ended in 2007 over superficial reasons and although it was painful, it was the best for the both of us.  Even though it was the better decision to break up, I was left hurt by the actual delivery and personal stabs supplied by her.  I ended up dating around, trying to find myself and the meaning of love and life but had no immediate luck.  I felt that I couldn't trust any female at all.   I ended up finding peace with myself and realized that the relationship I was in was a great example of what I do NOT want in my life ever again.  So rather than feel sorry for myself any longer, I began my journey to find Joshua and live.  It still took a while...but I remember the day I actually experienced the first feeling of hope....It was March 20, 2008.  I had gotten tattooed the day before and on the night of the 20th I went up to my work to see a few friends.  As I was sitting on the bench next to the front door, SCY walked in...It was as if I jumped off a trampoline and landed on my back... my breath was taken away.  She had the prettiest brown eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen.  I caught myself staring at her every time she would turn the other way.  She was gorgeous, she was sexy, she was classy, but she had a boyfriend...  At this point, i truly did not care that she was unavailable for I had just experienced the heaviest heart beat I'd ever imagined.  I fell in love with her and the facebook creeping began shortly after....but that's for another post....  The spark of hope made me realize that the reason I was insecure wasn't because I was a jealous person, it was because I was not with someone that shared any interests as me, any desires, or anything of the such.  The few words spoken with SCY were enough to make my mouth dry and my palms sweat, this was so unexpected but exactly what I needed.  Throughout the next 16 months I would experience so much growth, but this as well will be discussed in another post.
With a newfound acceptance of my confidence I changed my outlook on life and pursued happiness.  Jealousy and insecurities were buried away and left behind and I had no intentions of looking back.

On the agenda for the next post....
I will continue explaining my journey from secure back to myself now(insecure).  I will also eventually discuss my goals, my work frustrations, and my love life and all thoughts and concerns on the matter.  It's going to take a while.

I just read this post and realized I jumped all around with my subject matter.  All in all this is more so for me to vent rather than for anyone to read and analyze, but if anyone is unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog and continue reading...keep in mind that you are choosing to read my rants and unstable thought process.

Introduction

I have started this blog as an escape, a release from both the pain and joys of life and love.  I am unsure of how much I will be able to express, but I am dedicating myself to understanding myself and my experiences.